Thursday, August 11, 2005

Almost alive again

Ok let me tell you all first off.
I am STILL dented.
.

and the other thing I have to tell you is I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back. LITERALLY ........ that doctor stabbed me with that thar ice pick.
Mengele is going to have her hands full when I get back to her
cause I can't get my shoulders out of my EARS right now
I won't tell you about the back..... believe me
better you don't know
.
ok
now onto other items on the list.

.

IPA *** ( *** imminent period arrival)
so again it is almost that special time of the month set aside for one of violet's rants against the joys of being a girl.

.

(WHAT and disappoint you all?)
.
When I was a little girl, and doubled over with cramps that now I know would lay out a defensive lineman.........
I asked my mother
'oh mother
look at all I have to suffer
the bloated pubescent breasts
the rubber legs....... ( not to be confused with the rubber chickens they resemble)
the MOOD swings..........
nose bleeds
general achyness and malaise
not to mention these cramps that make walking impossible.
and the food cravings...... '

( I was a precocious kid what can I say)

'Oh mother......... with all this I have to suffer .........
what do BOYS get'
Yes I really was that naive at that point....... shit I was young.......
.
and my MOTHER ( lieing through her false TEETH....... the bitch)
said to me
.

'never mind dear, they too suffer'
.
now I am an old old lady........ with visible panty lines....... when I am NOT wearing panties.
and the lines on my face match the graining of the leather seats in my van.......
.
and I have discovered that MEN......... don't get ANYTHING
.
.
.
have you recovered????
.
.
.
ok so at about 65 or so they can't get it up and have a problem peeing........
( damn by that time we aren't interested in what they got anyway..... are we?)
.
*** as an ASIDE I did not say we weren't interested at all, just that we were not interested in what a 65 year old had........ now if someone say...... oh.......... 30 or so was available.......... now that could be another story......****
.
.
.
have you gotten your righteous indignation on yet??
.
.
yes my darlink chicklets......
they get off basically scott free
so they lose their hair....... ( ok so everyone but BERNIE........who still has enough hair for 3 people, yeah right....... you all still doubt that 3 Stooges thing huh?- ONE more piece of evidence)

WE get the labor, morning sickness, stretch marks.
WE get the saddlebags, drooping boobs........ varicous veins
WE get mamography, speculums, internals and dowagers humps
and with all this crap.......
WE get to LIVE longer.....
gee thanks
isn't that special

so if they don't drop dead at 49 of heart attacks........ WE get to take care of them in their old age.......
then the little bastards drop dead on us...........
who takes care of US in our old age???

gees all this from a bad case of PMS?
AND I finally have totally realized.....


MY
MOTHER
LIED
TO
ME
and if you can't trust your mother........who can you trust???

til next time
vi is getting a shovel to dig that broad up and scatter her old bones to the crows

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:34 PM

    Dear Vi:

    This rant is truly priceless! I yowled when you talked about your mom's lie; and I really liked the IPA! Come on, what's next? You are VIsene for my tattered nerves!

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh dear, that was priceless! vi in full blown rant, in true form! and as for us being interested in "it" at 65, speak for yourself! i can remember staying at my folks after i moved out, and hearing my mom giggle (and my dad was 40 when i was born, whaddaya think of that?) leather seats, huh. i'm jealous. i'm on my way with ice cream and booze, ok?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous8:18 AM

    Oh you are funny dear - my husband complains that the hair is falling off his head and landing in his ears, up his nose, on his back - anywhere but on the old pate. If hair was the only thing we had to worry about - although - I would never want to carry my reproductive organs outside my body for my whole life - no wonder they're so sensitive about them!!! - Crey

    ReplyDelete
  4. guys.......I didn't say WE wouldn't want IT.....
    I said we wouldn't want 65 year olds
    by then we would need the 20 year olds

    read more carefully next time
    vi

    ReplyDelete

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vi