the woodpecker

ok this happened a bit ago.... but it is fixing to happen again I see..... so I figured I would tell you all about my adventures on the roof....with the woodpecker........ or several woodpeckers... now let me start by telling that Bernie ( Mr. NO MORE ANIMALS) likes to feed the birds outside.....he feels so sorry for the little flying flea bags....*oops* that reminds me.....brb.....I gotta fill their little feeder.....damn beggers......

***elevator muzak***

......................ok back.....brr it is cold out there.... ok where was I ...... yea them flying feathered flea bags..... ok so he feeds the birds..... and I render suet for them little monsters and mix it with peanut butter and bird seed and some raisins well when you do that in this area you get a couple of woodpeckers.....I mean a couple of species....one is HUGE.... one is tiny...and one is a bit bigger....... and they bring their familys....... now when I finish filling their greedy little gullets these filthy little beggars repay me by pecking the crap out of my house.... (the studio part, which is wooden.... the main is stone and they would get a head ache in their beady little brains from pecking that) anyway, as my house is very old..... (termites holding hands and dancing are holding it up....) I feel the need to defend it against these flying feathered fleabags...... normally I use my broom and pound the hell of the walls.....they usually move on.......but every once in a while...... some cheeky bugger will decide to go on the ROOF of my poor beleagured studio..... just beyond the reach of my trusty broom......... then drastic measures are called for.... I must go up upon the roof...................... now of course.... bird brains being what they are....... this damn bird picks the bitterest..... most icey and windiest winters to do this....( I KNOW I KNOW.....if he didn't what would BE the point) ok this one particular winter he decided on..... we had 40 inch snow banks...... ice dams on the roof with icecles stretching to the ground and then some..... and here I am...... climbing OUT of the upstairs window onto the studio roof..... trusty broom by my..........OOPS>>>>>> damn thing slide down to the end of the roof there......... ok where was I?????? oh yea..... purple hat on my head.... three layers of assorted clothing covering my rather rotund body........ three inches of ICE on the roof too...... did I mention that ice on the roof is SLIPPERY???? yup...... yup......it truly is.... now this bird is eyeing me as only birds can do..... they look sideways at you..... so I realized he already had an attitude....... first one beady eyeball then another...... meanwhile I am attempting to slip slide down to get my broom without going over the edge......and at the same time screaming at the bird to get offa my roof....... apparently that sounded (to the bird) like I SAID........ HAMMER the crap out of the roof there bird...... with feeling! cause now he sets to hammering my poor little long suffering iced over roof...... I grab the broom....and attempt to sort skate and slither back up a bit to reach that bird and send him into his afterlife.......nope.... and thank goodness for LARGE snow banks....... as I ended up going off the roof....... just like a cartoon......I ended up unhurt in the snow bank.... with the bird looking over the edge of the roof LAUGHING at me.....(I know he was laughing at me....I could see him shaking.......)so brilliant person that I am........ what do I do???????? well go back UP There of course........ clump clump clump through the house..... snow all over the place........ climb OUT again through the window..... a bit slower this time believe me...... get out on the roof..... totter over to the bird........ extend my broom to whack him to eternity......... when THE DAMN BIRD FLEW AWAY.......................... apparently me NOT falling over the edge of the roof was boring.......and he need to go and find new crazy ladies to torment........ I keep hearing them damn birds out there again...... and the broom is moving towards the studio.....it shouldn't be long now....... vi