not a shy violet

Sunday, March 29, 2015

reflections on turning 58

i never thought i would see this age
i was so sickly as a kid i figured 16 was being optimistic-
i had gotten so many things that 'almost' killed me (really they should have but somehow i got medical attention in the nick of time)
then i figured with all the crap wrong with me......maybe 50 was shooting pretty high
now on the eve of 58
i find myself surprised
i also find myself very reflective of the people that i have now...the people i lost
and the people that lost me

i still am of the impression that this would be a giant classroom here
that is the only logical explanation of some of the stuff i've witnessed, some of the history i've read
i do wonder what comes after, although i was given i believe glimpses
and visits

i also wonder why i was given a predisposition and drive to do what i paint, sculpt, work with my hands, read, study, explore how things are made.
why me?
why was i given this when i had a profoundly handicapped cousin...

there are times when i enjoy parts of my life..... like when i am learning something new.....
and it's working
or i make a huge stride as a painter.....
when my animals are healthy, my garden does well
when i hear people laughing with me

i don't enjoy this fibromyalgia stuff at all ......the unexplained insane pain
the energy level below that of a corpse
the inability to heal fast (4 months and counting from that last fall in december)

and today, on the eve of my 58th birthday
my inability to paint like i am used to

now my goals for the remaining years of my life
well they include a bunch of stuff

  1. feeling better and more movement 
  2. us moving to a deltec (that is now my dream house, a net zero energy round house)
  3. putting my work to work... for our retirement income
  4. enjoy my life more
that's pretty much it
there are a few other things ...odds and ends...but those are the big ones

so there you have it
on the eve of 58

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