bambi's got to die

for eating all my bush beans.

my poor little baby bush beans

they were so happy with their little heads in the sun
stretching up their leafs and soaking up the clean air, soft breezes and soothing rains....

then big bad BAMBI came along and decapitated them
ALL OF THEM

freeken deer didn't leave ONE standing

I piled twiggy branches over the bent and battered leafless little stems......
hoping that maybe a few made it through the gluttony..........

I will find out today


meanwhile another very LARGE fence is on my shopping list........along with a gun,
ammo, pea shooter, poision darts,
stun gun,
and a mobile processing unit
I think we are all fed up with bambi now,

I mean......I leave them tons of food
apples, my roses........ the raspberries......

do they HAVE to eat my garden.........
that's MY space.....
oh and the garlic/hot pepper spray???

well lets just say the deer knocked on the door and asked for MORE.........

damn deer
oh and they ate the bushes on the front porch as well......
what they can't eat the wisteria that took over our house?
or the poision ivy?
nooooooooooooooooooooo

and what does eat the poision ivy......?????

GOATS!!!

and what are we NOT allowed to have due to ZONING?????????????'

GOATS..........

I ask you
does this make any sense to you?
or is it me?

if we are going to have something that resembles mammilian napalm........could it at LEAST
take OUT the poision ivy?


vi

I am ready for my coffee now mr DeVille..

Dearly Beloved.......

we have gathered here today, to discuss the ravages of GRAVITY
and it is with great GRAVITY that I must call your attention to this problem.......

( listen up cause there will be a test afterwards)

I was watching tv last night ..............( ok so I was sort of LISTENING to tv last night as it was behind me..... so don't all faint now... as because of GRAVITY you will hurt yourself)
Nova.
which had a show on quantum physics and quantum mechanics.

now don't go all glazed over...........
I won't subject you all to the fascination of quantum physics......( but really it is FASCINATING, and I truly do love it)
BUT

there was a discussion as part of this show about GRAVITY

the smart scientists have decided it is a WEAK force.......
ha
WHAT THE HELL do they know?????


I am sitting here dealing with the ravishes of GRAVITY and I am asking you all.......

WEAK????

are they F***ing Nuts?

Ok lest you think I am nuts.......
allow me to go DOWN the list........

ready now???


boobs,
well really due to GRAVITY they should be on the BOTTOM of the list,
since
as you all KNOW
they have descended...and are now footstools.
I swear I am getting bunions on my nipples.

WRINKLES
again, a function of GRAVITY as I could NOT frown that much nor look that tired without extraneous help.
not after a night's sleep, and a pretty decent nights sleep at that

BLADDER function:
I am pretty sure that all my organs have dropped on top of this poor long suffering organ, which has naturally caused it to tell me to empty it once every freeken hour...........
but only at night...........
and to pay particular attention to 2am.......
which as we know is the 'bladder witching hour'

Staircases
they seem to catch and HOLD GRAVITY
just waiting for me to attempt to decend them........ where they loosen their hold on GRAVITY and cause me to go tumbling down.
thank GOODNESS I like purple and magenta as I am wearing enough of those colors after my latest encounter with the staircase GRAVITY.

TIRED LEGS
from standing over the canner or the garden or the soapkettle
AGAIN all this is GRAVITY's fault..........because without GRAVITY
I would be FLOATING over the above tasks.......
and my legs would not have the entire map of the Chicago metro area etched on it in multi colors...
or so I hear, as I haven't actually SEEN my legs in quite a while

which brings me to something GRAVITY seems to have missed...........

my STOMACH

how big CAN it get without me actually BEING pregnant?
and why?

Did Larry, Moe and Curly get tired of playing with our elected officals and decide to do reverse Lyposuction on my stomach?
and just WHERE is all that girth coming from??

but I digress............
back to GRAVITY

It causes the tottering pile of books and papers to come tumbling DOWN whenever a fly lands on them
It causes me to drop stuff constantly, as I could not POSSIBLY be that clumsy right?

Ok ok
so GRAVITY does have it's good points..

due to GRAVITY,
pee tends to occasionally find it's way into the actual toilet.( if you are a man, woman strangely do not have that problem)

due to GRAVITY,
Drool slips DOWN your chin instead of UP your nose, although in certain sleeping positions that may not work

due to GRAVITY,
the contents of the cat box are NOT floating around the ceiling, only the actual CATS are................

And

most importantly to me right this minute

due to GRAVITY

my coffee is sitting happily in my cup and waiting for me to swill it properly

there by waking me up

but not before I ran around with the inner workings of my demented brain on view for all the world to see..........
til next time

vi

ps: THERE will be a test

oh and pss:
coffee kitchen
blackberry sage
freesia
cucumber
is the list of soaps that will be waiting for you all in september........

the rose is already sold ( I told you all that this stuff goes pretty fast, half the coffee soap is gone as well)
I will update this list every day I make soap guys

to those who garden

we have a pretty big veggie garden this year.....
we finally gave into the lure of the one open treeless area of our property and put in the tomatoes.

laboriously turned over the scant 2" of top soil
pitched manure for a day....
( a very hot day...... little preview of hell there... shoveling manure on the hottest day of the year.....even the BUGS were too hot to bite)

pounded fence posts into the ground......
sweated, pleaded and conjoled all the little seeds
battled endless rain, grasshoppers, boils and pestilance

and what do we have now??????
VERY tall lush tomatoes.....
hundreds of full vigorious potates
bean plants
cucumber plants


AND DEER

very well FED deer apparently

even with the fence!

you see deer can JUMP
and they apparently do not KNOW that the tomatoe leaves are supposed to kill them.......
and that the fence is a polite way of informing them that

'please do not come in here, Thank you Bambi'

they LAUGHED at my fence
and sail over it with ease and grace.......

the uphill neighbor said...........'something is coming OUT of my garden, either vegetables or venison but something eatable is going to be coming out of there'

now we don't eat venision
but I am thinking........maybe
we can SELL that venision and BUY the damn vegetables


I know that the deer, well fed and burping
are gathering in lawn chairs out there afterwards
watching us through the windows like deer tv
and laughing

Just know that........

vi

soapie notice

ok folks, I started the soaping for the late summer and the fall....( and winter too I suppose)

today I put cucumber
and rose in the molds
soooooooooooooo
those two will be ready September 24!!!

I will be soaping for quite a while until I get the stock back up to par
any requests let me know now.....or wait to next season...

I have to say the kitchen smells like a summer garden!
I really would have liked to do some big 50 pound batches but right now I am doing some of the soaps that while they do have a following.....it's a smaller following
but the fall and holiday soaps as well as the popular ones will have pretty big batches
but I do have to warn you all....... Get your orders in as soon as you can..

hahaha
I can't WAIT to do the pumpkin spice and the apple harvest soaps..........
woo hoo......

( ok so I don't have much of a life........)

vi

The Creator has a sense of Humor

do you need proof?
other then my life of course.....

well let us start with this

reproduction

ahhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

ok
so here is the lowdown

in humans for the most part
we insert tab A into slot B
and wiggle all about

which produces part C

and here you thought it was all sacred & beautiful

HA.......

turns out the Creator is THE same engineer who makes toys that frantic parents try at assemble on Christmas eve!

( I see you all nodding your heads remembering all the cursing and fumbling around and hushed whispers on Christmas eves past)

only humans do not come with the instruction sheet that is written in four languages and has all the diagrams and parts labeled

NO WONDER the species has problems.............

we are all still fumbling around!

now folks that possess the tab A's are always running around looking for slots to fit their tabs into
they sometimes don't care if it is slot b, c, d, e, f or xyz............
it makes for interesting experiences I would imagine.

and the folks that possess the slot B are sometimes trying to keep the tab A's out.......
after all not everyone is ready for a part C
and this is a good thing.

I am pretty sure that a lot of the confusion that folks that possess the differently engineered areas stems from the fact that they can not really understand the opposite folks..........
I mean it does stand to reason..no?


anway

that is just my observation while waiting for my canner timer to go off..............

til next time

vi

Today will be a VERY CLEAN day

soap beautiful soap.........

I am making soap today
I don't know how much yet or all of the kinds
but I do know cucumber is on the list
as I got a FRESH CUCUMBER just begging to be made into soap

so folks..... soapies are being made......... they will be ready in two months...... ( September 21)
I have goats milk in the freezer from violet's momma........ so goat milk soap is very likely to be made as well.
I will post what was made later .....you know AFTER I actually make it.

in neighborhood news........the folks up the hill got a PAVED driveway.........
oh my it is soooooooooooooo pretty

we used to be the only house on this hill with a paved drive......and our's is been paved for 35 years......so could use a new paving job no?..........I mean now most of our drive needs the lawnmower


speaking of which, bernie's new thing seems to be.................. better living through weed camouflage.
I am not saying that he has neglected his manly duties.......namely mowing the lawn.....

( can we all get an amen GRUNT here.......................thank you)

however
I can cut the heads off the weeds out front with a scissors...without bending over.........
I know I am very short....but STILL.........
and I know my weeds are my FRIENDS ........
however even the WEEDS would like........ 'a little off the top please'

trust me.........they told me so!

I would do it but I can figure out the semi hot wired job that it takes to turn on the lawnmower....
and actually I am not even sure WHICH lawn mower he uses........
although I am almost certain that the one with the flat tires probably isn't the one he uses.........

( remember, he is a MECHANIC......... so I got to expect flat tires and such)

I swear............I need to bring the goat home and a few sheepies.....
they would mow and fertilize in one easy pass..........
no polution
no flat tires
no trying to figure which wire goes where..............
and they work for sheep cookies and WEEDS..................

hmm

til next time

vi

48 pints of blueberries on the wall

48 pints of blues
you take one down and pass it around......

ah......
wait ok I canned it and froze it all
and made jam
I made spiced blueberry lavender jam
and plain blueberry jam

but this isn't about blueberries.....
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhnoooooooooooooooooooooooo

this is about SPICE
( not the girl band............ get your head outta the gutter)

this is about SPICE......... you know....... exotic pods and seeds from far off lands..

yup

now this is just between you and me right......we won't tell bernie ok?
he doesn't need to know I got something like 24 pounds of spice ok????

24 POUNDS of spice you say........

thud.......


yup yup
you read that right........

you see I buy spices from this place online.......
and it is by the pound, which you get pretty good prices on.......
( ok so actually REALLY good prices on)
and i know I will need it all
and when I saw this little pissass jar of mace in the supermarket for almost 6.00
and a whole POUND of mace is 9.............................

well
yup yup had to buy the pound
you all understand right?

just need buckets of the stuff lieing around.......... makes me feel all exotic and that crap.

ok the real deal is.....
I am on a pickling kick......
making the pickles to keep me happy over the winter

I got me some doozie spices too
cardamon
and allspice
star anise
cloves
cinnamon,
tumeric ( it's very oily btw)

yup got them all
I really went to hell and got both BROWN and YELLOW mustard seed........but they they do have other uses........I mean I could actually MAKE mustard......you know from SCRATCH!!!!

amazing you know.....it's actually made WITH mustard seeds ground up and doesn't just ooze out of a yellow squeeze bottle.

( the things you learn huh? stick with me kid.........you never know where we are going)

now I figure I may just forget to mention this to bernie.... at least until after he is in a pickle induced coma brought on the the shear magnificence of my pickled endeavors........ no?

but then again............ how often does someone get to buy all those spices.......
medieval despots would have WORSHIPED me........

hahahhaha

vi
now wanting a camel and some silks............ maybe a tent no???


and I came back to add......
that agent tanked me
do you think it was something the chickens said????

they can be rather ah.........flighty at times..........

well you know they ARE chickens.......

ok but I am still going.......
oh

I was thinking of adding ADSENSE to the blog....
what do you folks think??? let me know yea or nay...

Another day...... another pint of jersey devil berries...

well, we are again having a blue blue blueberry day....
I did jam yesterday, and today I am flash freezing individual berries..
( tomorrow the world....no?) NOOOOOOOOOO not one by one.....
but seperately on a try.....not all lumpied together in a bag......at least not until AFTER they are frozen.......
I got over a gallon bag full now and more happening even as we speak....( ah......... you read?)

I also got two piddly cucumbers in the brine to be pickles...
sandwich slicers.....
that's ok....
I am going to put in a LOT more cuc plants.....watch
oye
( cause at a future date if I do that.....you all are going to hear me ranting about 97 gallons of pickles fermenting in the basement....)
by the way in case some of you folks don't know this..... cucumbers that are destined to be pickles BITE......yup like cactus....they got them some wicked spines.....



it is very dark out.....
we are getting 'thunderstorms, possible heavy rain, hail, locust, the 7 plagues of Egypt, boils and pestilence'.......... or something like that

I am debating on if it is wise to defrost a ham that is admittedly almost as big as my ass.......( that's alotta ham, as my ass could crush a small army if I fell on it.......... the army and the ass)

I was thinking of canning it

I am thinking of canning any thing and everything that doesn't move fast enough.......


hmmmmmmmmm watch out cat........... you could be gulash tomorrow...........

sooooooooooooooooooooooo
I haven't heard from that agent yet
well I was really trying hard for a 'professional query letter' and somehow.......... chickens crept into the letter.....
I SWEAR I don't know how

I really don't
next thing you know the chickens were dancing all over the letter.....

( vi is hanging her head in shame now)

and you folks are all stiffling your laughter, I know you are
hey don't laugh!
IT could happen to YOU
you know it could

no?
ok maybe it could only happen to me...........

oye

til next time

vi

jersey devil berries

I had a BRILLIANT idea.......

notice it is capitalized.......

ok my BRILLIANT idea was this.......
blueberries are on sale for LESS then 1.00 a pint..

( are you drooling yet???)

I would get them and dry them........ and we would have muffins ALL WINTER

see
BRILLIANT

a few berries would find their way into jams and such....
( ask me about my spiced blueberry lavender jam......)

simple plan right?
blueberries that gift from the Indians..... with NO technology at the time....I should add that huh?

you know that the Indians dried their blueberries right???
well no one apparently TOLD my blueberries....

cause even with my fancy dehydrator............. they are NOT drying
not a bit not a smidge......
they are not

I check them every day.....they been drying since MONDAY
I poke them

nope

soft pillowy little berries..... but not hard anymore and firm
literally pillowy

I get a bit suspicious last night and poked a few with a pin.....

AH HA

it is as I thought.......

They have inflated themselves.....

somehow MY blueberries puffed themselves up with pride.......
and defiance..............

and started to link arms and chant

NO NO WE WON'T GO..............

ha

today in addition to the jam I am making more of..
I intend to deflate blueberries

and you think YOU got problems???


vi

BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUE Berries

I got 24 pints of blueberries
for 5.99 a six pint pack......
so doing the math....they are just barely less then $1.00 per pint

ok
I followed directions for drying blues....... I kept them in the dryer thingie all night
this morning did I awake to shriveled and tiny nuggets of concentrated blueberrie goodness???

nope still bloated and soft from the blanching....

ok so on to plan B
freezing the whole berries on a tray in the freezer.......THEN they are to be dumped into the dehyrdrator..... ( the dryer thingie)

we'll see how this tactic works
meanwhile I have about 18 pints reproachfully sitting in coolers.......

and I said I was going to go and get 24 more pints.........
ah......
only when I get these processed huh?
I don't have fridge space and my cooler space is seriously lacking....

WHAT??
you can NOT relate........??
hey what sort of life do you lead?

for punishment write 1000 times......... I will explore saving food for the winter like my ancestors

there will be a test on thursday btw.


ok
so what do I do with the over abundance of these blues?

why jam of course......no?
ok so some will be jam but really the most need to be dried for winter muffins.....

I envision jars full of shriveled nuggets of pure blueberrie goodness......

now if only the berries would cooperate.......they don't seem to see the same visions....


vi

the further adventures.......

http://notashyviolet.blogspot.com/2005/08/for-our-beloved-la-bella-mengele.html

ok that is the link for the funny stuff......


on saturday, ( or was it friday)
I was asked by two seperate people to write.........
they didn't mean letters to them....
they meant articles for publication.....

now I have done that before and it did pay well...........
but I have only done how to articles.......
I am really not sure about anything else......
I mean I do write for this blog I suppose......
occationally now, when I have something to say.......
( which today is that my pickling cucumbers are taking FOREVER to ripen.......and only are ripening one or TWO at a time......how can I pickle THAT?)

anyway, I said I would take it under serious consideration..........
and I am
I am seriously thinking about it
sooooooo
anyone have any thoughts please email me..........( and I hope that thingie works to an email pop up.......... replace the appropriate words with the actual symbols)


so anyway....... that is what is going on in my little world
that and I have to run to town to the bank



vi

canning canning canning and a wristlet

I have been canning a LOT lately
tonight..... while i type......I am waiting for 15 jars of beef cubes to come to pressure so i can time it
I canned this with red wine, onions, mushrooms and garlic.....
I will be canning the chicken breasts tomorrow the same way....
and also making some jars of meatballs and meat loaf
as well as watermelon pickles

we also have to clean the chicken coop and I am knitting wristlets with beads for a class I am giving at the yarn store

btw,
the yarn store wants me to knit a bunch of different things for october classes
and I am out of ideas
I am currently teaching mittens.... ( saturday is one of the first mitten classes)
and the beaded wristlets along with my sock classes and two beginner lace.....
now
a couple people do hats
so I don't need to....
how about one of those little caplet thingies?
in lace?
hmmmmmmmm
I don't know
so any suggestions would be welcome

I have been sick again....... the glucaphage gets me really ill.....it's like doing chemo!
I get THAT sick....
so I stopped taking it.....now before I get the lecture......the doc knows

ok well gotta go check the canner.....
vi