As the menopausal turns*** CAUTION female topics***

Some things should NOT happen to anyone.
There are all the biggies....you know......... tripping over your gown at your wedding and knocking out your front teeth in front of 300 invited guests and the caterers,

Finding half a worm in your apple,

And being in the midst of menopause complete with hot flashes, night sweats & mood swings, only to discover you are GETTING A PERIOD. and not just any period either, the type that you need to order hip waders for...... and have to put plastic EVERY FREEKEN place you happen to go.

Some things should be against the law.

Once the hormones go and the mustache appears periods should DISAPPEAR.
That would be the gracious thing to do no?

So what am I doing today?

Fighting the cats for my feminine hygiene products.
They like to carry them downstairs and play with them. I like them corralled in the bathroom where I can get them when I need them.
( yea the sanitary napkins AND the cats)
Now I can almost understand if they were tampons, which, with some imagination CAN look like sort of oddly shaped mice.....complete with tail.
However my cats ( you know they're weird) like to carry the 'wrapped for your protection' sanitary napkins around.
Not the little bitty ones either.......they like them big old Menstruating elephant sized one.

Ok this is a bit odd, right but how could that possibly be more then just merely annoying?
WHEN there is a CLIENT over and the cat presents them with one of their pilfered toys.......
She was very nice about it......thanking the cat....... ( Thaddeaus) then handing me the only slightly tooth marked peach colored package.
I was magenta.
(well you all know how colorful I am, did you not think I had real color?
I run all the shades from pink through red, magenta, purple to...... 'oh my goodness is her head exploding' eggplant, I once scared the shit out of the emergency room at our hospital by turning color infront of them and I was not even the patient- it is harmless actually .............so stop with the 'horse of a different color' jokes already)

ok now back to today.
I am here in my vulnerability, feeling like meat hooks yanked my guts out.
Wondering where the hell my last nerve is.....
(I swear today I will say..... god has to be a man cause no women would DO This to another women, not even if she snatched the last pair of on sale black shoes in her size from under your nose)
Meanwhile I know that there are many FINE drugs designed to help with just these symptoms, but I don't have the van back, and even if I did......... do You think I would dumb enough to DRIVE today?
I can barely lift the coffee cup to my correct facial orifice to drink- (don't think THAT wasn't a surprise aslo this morning)

I even am far enough out of my mind to post in the political area of a formum I frequent.
YES yes it is the end of the world as we know it, wait now and watch the planets reverse their orbits.
So today my dears, I am going to just quietly go and knit a bit.....
I will stagger around occationally to see if my land legs or indeed ANY legs have returned.
( my legs feel like lumps of pudding, and that is without mentioning all the cellulite..... so no comments, and you all know what walking on pudding would feel like.... -WHAT? what sort of a teenagehood did you have that you don't know what walking on pudding is like.............. NEVER MIND)

til next time if I survive
vi