it's all so final

i lost a close friend

suddenly

she crossed with blessed little suffering if any....
it took a breath
she was gone

her body was held to help others
many many others will benefit because this wonderful person, cared so deeply about others suffering that she gave her self.....literally gave her body to help

no greater gift is there.....

i am so devastated

reaching for the phone to call her was such a part of my life

i can't wrap my brain around it all yet

she can't be dead.....she is still in my mind and heart so very much alive

her husband is beyond devastated....... there is no way words can convey how his very soul is ripped apart and shredded

i realize we all must die
no one gets out alive

and if i were to choose my own death..... please make it FAST and sudden.....
no pain
no illness
no suffering

how could i begrudge a friend that i love the same?

yet, i am so incredibly angry..... she's taken from us too soon.....
her husband denied the years of leisured retirement they both planned and worked for

her friends denied the brightness of her laughter

today is gray and heavy rains are coming down...
seems fitting to me

even the universe seems to be crying as hard as i am at her passing


there are others that knew her, and had the same medical crisis she did.....they lived
they feel guilt for that
i am so greatful they did live..... their jobs here are not done
i would not want to have also mourned them

this is hard enough
i am worried about them...... i know that they have a purpose here.....and it is important
their very dailyness of living is part of it

i can't seem to get them to see what i see so very clearly


and i have a question.....

how is it possible for a heart to hurt so very badly...... over and over again....
and not stop beating?
how do people go on after great losses?

i am so tired of the pain of losing family and friends

yet i know..... they are still all around me.....although i can't see them

i dreamt of my friend last night
she seems happy, and healthy.....and ok over there......

is it so very selfish of me to wish......she'd never left us?

i wouldn't want her to be a vegetable..... i am not that selfish....
or her to suffer to stay.....

but i just wish this was all a bad dream.....and i would wake up now