the ducks and other matters

my ducks will be with us almost a year .....( april 21 will be a year if i recall)

they have started to meet me at their pen gate when i go out to feed and water them
or even just to visit them
they wag their tails at me
and bob their heads and raise their crests
even little serafina....
although falstaff is the first one out

i will admit
i bribe them
i grub in the dirt and come up with fresh wild greens for them
today it was dandelions
yesterday it was violet leaves and chickweed and witch grass
they love it

so when i went to town today, my fingers were all dirt stained, but it was so worth it to see falstaff actually allow serafina first crack at the greens

and here i was thinking of having him with a nice orange sauce.....

ok the other matters
i am still having trouble knitting
i have few things waiting for me to cast on.....or to get back to
but right now......
well ok here is the run down

wip:
fichu from victorian lace today. Trish and i were discussing that and i was doing a test knit, she planned on following with her own

autumn leaf scarf: trish gifted me with the pattern for that wonderful silk laceweight i got at spirit trail last october at rhineback.

waiting to cast on:
magic carpet and moroccan days: trish and i were going to knit the magic carpet together
she was the first person i sent an invite to when i started the kal group at ravelry ( sorry susan, but i put her name first)

see where this is going?

i keep trying to find a place in my daily routine that didn't have trish in it....
but without realizing it my friend crept into a lot of aspects of my daily life
KR seems so empty without her as does ravelry
so does my inbox
and my voice mail

i am trying though
seriously i am

i am also trying not to be a nut about 'what would trish think about this'

but i think it often

i have lost so many close close friends over the years
and i can tell you all....it does NOT get easier

and if you would all follow me around, you would often see and hear me talking to the 'air'
it is not actually air....
i am talking to either thea, or evelyn, or my folks, or gramma rad, or......now trish

i know they hear me
i know that they are saying i talk too much
duh

well if they wouldn't have LEFT ME SO EARLY.....i would NOT be forced to scream at heaven

duh

i will tell you all, i still feel so lost at times

i am doing stuff and keeping busy and doing the seasonal thing
i don't cry every day

i do however make sure i call bob and leave a message daily..... so he has a light blinking on the answering machine AND so i hear trish's voice.....
cause i can't remember my mom's voice at all
so it is nice to still hear trish's
thank you so much bob for keeping her on the answering machine

now thea died in 96, and evelyn in 02
my mom was 85, dad was 98
gram in 03 right after my beloved merry and kisses
i still talk to them all daily....
and talk about them ALOT
so i suppose i hang on to folks....living and dead.....

i don't know if that is a good thing or not

i also know.....when i go
i don't really expect anyone to be sad at all
i don't expect any one to be anything other then ok in their daily life

i imagine that these special to me people would feel the same.....
they don't want me so sad.....or missing them so much

but the fact is right now i do

and it makes me feel very tiny in the big universe

so i grow plants and bake bread
and can food
and feed ducks
and pray daily that i figure a way for us to move to the farm
which seems so very insurmountable right now

however, in the immortal words of a fictional charactor

tomorrow IS another day