waking up doesn't get better then this

i was woken up very quietly and very gently with a tiny little reddish nose on my nose
and sunlight filtering in the window on my face
and the tiniest of purrs
it was fawn

she was so happy to see me this morning, and i was so happy to open my eyes to her beautiful green eyes....
then she laid down on my pillow with her face in my face

next thaddeaus came up and laid down in my arms
purring into my face, tapping gently every once in a while on my shoulder

morning mommy......

calpurrnia laid beside me purring as loudly as her little body would let her

bernie was holding me, and reached over to pet everyone good morning

i came down to these two cards...... ohhhhhhhhhhh sheepies and violets....some of my very favorite things


he's outside right now restacking one of our wood piles that fell down with the blasting up the ridge for the last couple weeks

i am writing this blog right now but in a bit i am going to go out to my ducks and see them and the chickens

we are to have a roast turkey today, as turkey or chinese food are my favorites
I LOVE TURKEY, too bad i can't raise them.....but then i would probably make pets of them.....and we would have giant birds running around all over the place huh?

here are a few pictures of my future veggie garden....
they are the seedlings i started back the beginning of march....

and when they first sprouted



vi

friends are different when you are older

i found that friendships as you age are different from when you were a kid
in some ways it takes longer to make a close friend when you are older, as you don't have as many shared experiences
but at the same time, when you DO connect with someone it seems to me that you connect incredibly deeply
when you are a kid.... or teenager, sometimes while your friends do CARE, they do get distracted.
but again...... friends you make when you are much older...( 51 tomorrow) they seem to just KNOW.....if you know what i mean
there is a timelessness to them

i have one friend left alive from when i was a kid..... we talk occasionally..... it's like no time ever has gone past..... we discuss her kids...... our lives...... it's so odd occasionally for us, and we laugh.....
because we remember when it was 'so whatcha doing friday night, and can i borrow them overalls of yours'
we remember us as kids..... before responsibilities and cares, and worries...... and all the deaths that took the rest of us away......

i am deeply grateful for my friends now..... the women of a certain age that can knowingly smile when i say something about my husband......or about my aching back......
the laughter from them is deep and from the heart
they have cried with me over our losing Trish

i have made new friends as well..... time will tell how and how much that deepens

i realized that i am not a kid anymore..... and my viewpoint somehow, has shifted

maybe it IS because i have lost so many people, maybe i have had no choice but to grow up.
to grow into some wisdom
to see patterns in the lives around me
to realize that sometimes....no matter what you see..... or try to say....
you just have to sit back and watch the train wrecks and just hope you can help pull out any survivors.
that last one is tough, but so is life sometimes.

life also on the surface, doesn't seem fair......

why would trish be taken from us......and jackass lives on to embezzle another day

from a soul's point of view.......
trish was done with her lessons in this life time with these people. she gets to graduate, diploma, cap and gown...........she won.......she caught the brass ring ( soul's point of view is NOT ours here on earth remember that)

jackass....he gets thrown back to see if maybe......JUST FREEKEN maybe he will learn something before his sorry hide gets scraped off the pavement

could have a LOT to do with which side of the proverbial veil you are on ......what exactly is your view point.

but sometimes......it doesn't make it any easier



vi

rain and wheat and garden chores

it's raining today
i am also to pick up 100 pounds ( i think......it may be 90 pounds) of wheat today as well.

a bucket of soft wheat for pancakes and pastries, ( that's what is ground into all purpose flour if you would like to know)

and a bucket of hard white wheat for bread

i hope i remembered to order the hulled barley as i would like to malt that if i can for bread
as well as using it ground and also whole cooked
barley is VERY good for you
especially if you are IR (insulin resistant) like me

i looked over my garden yesterday while talking to my ducks.
i have been a very bad gardener, and after i planted the garlic in october, and settled the ducks. i neglected to finish the fall clean up, although i did get the tomato vines out.....but left a lot of the other stuff........oh and the pepper plants......ditched them in the compost too

it's a mess out there
my cutworm collars are all over
my plastic mulch is all over
as is my 'last minute plastic sorta hooped shelter for the peppers house'
but it is raining today...... and i have to pick up that wheat today

next week however...... or possibly even sunday....i will be out there
now if it is really hard bad rain......no
if it's a light drizzle....hell yeah

i got stuff that's got to go into the garden shortly
and
i got rabbit problems

jackass' wife turned her rabbits out again
a white one and a black one
two years ago we lost three planting to the rabbits they turned out ( until the hawk got one and a neighbor rescued the other, and we realized it WAS not deer but their rabbits.....as their un-neutered male cats not only sprayed all over my door and woodpile etc.....but got all the wild rabbits, chipmunks, moles, voles, shrews etc)

i knew that something was in the garden as the carrots were dug up
( wintered over ones........ without interference they would have been safe to now and one to go to seed)

so now i need a live trap for not only their cats.....but their rabbits
i need two traps huh?

i so have to move

we got the news from the township we live in....... all of a sudden it's SUBURBAN!
it's got suburban laws now
huh?
when did town move out here?
and how far out CAN we go so we don't have town moving in?

meanwhile also this weekend....i need to rig my yearly 'greenhouse/coldframe' on the deck with two sawhorses and a big sheet of plastic.....
only THIS year i have a RIGID former glass/plastic table top to use for the front
so i am thinking that will do me well, and i can just drape the sides with plastic like a table cloth.....and put my seedlings in trays to be slid in and out and around....no?

from the looks of the tomatoes....... they will be in 7 gallon buckets by the time they are ready to set out in the garden

( i apparently have an extremely green thumb.......too bad it isn't a 'win the big lotto' green thumb)

seedling requests are dribbling in..... people ask me to grow seedlings for them every year now
i grow heirlooms and there isn't any comparison with the taste
plus they know that my plants are healthy and not stressed....
one person from last year got a couple tomatoes, a pepper and a zucchini......THIS year she called with a longer list.....
it includes herbs and flowers too
so sometime in april i will start her seeds which she'll pick up in may

now on my canning list....... someone mentioned egyptian walking onions..... soooooooo now i have to investigate them...i was aware of them but i didn't think they were edible.......just ornamental.....but i have been assured you can eat them..

new this year to my garden is a wonderberry.....and a cape gooseberry....
there are a few more but i can't remember what they are called!
i hope for sorgum and amarath as well...... i want the grains for us and the chickens
i am thinking i need to grow some grains for the poultry for the winter.......

well i better get going, it's getting late and i have to get a lot done before i leave to get the wheat
til next time

vi

the ducks and other matters

my ducks will be with us almost a year .....( april 21 will be a year if i recall)

they have started to meet me at their pen gate when i go out to feed and water them
or even just to visit them
they wag their tails at me
and bob their heads and raise their crests
even little serafina....
although falstaff is the first one out

i will admit
i bribe them
i grub in the dirt and come up with fresh wild greens for them
today it was dandelions
yesterday it was violet leaves and chickweed and witch grass
they love it

so when i went to town today, my fingers were all dirt stained, but it was so worth it to see falstaff actually allow serafina first crack at the greens

and here i was thinking of having him with a nice orange sauce.....

ok the other matters
i am still having trouble knitting
i have few things waiting for me to cast on.....or to get back to
but right now......
well ok here is the run down

wip:
fichu from victorian lace today. Trish and i were discussing that and i was doing a test knit, she planned on following with her own

autumn leaf scarf: trish gifted me with the pattern for that wonderful silk laceweight i got at spirit trail last october at rhineback.

waiting to cast on:
magic carpet and moroccan days: trish and i were going to knit the magic carpet together
she was the first person i sent an invite to when i started the kal group at ravelry ( sorry susan, but i put her name first)

see where this is going?

i keep trying to find a place in my daily routine that didn't have trish in it....
but without realizing it my friend crept into a lot of aspects of my daily life
KR seems so empty without her as does ravelry
so does my inbox
and my voice mail

i am trying though
seriously i am

i am also trying not to be a nut about 'what would trish think about this'

but i think it often

i have lost so many close close friends over the years
and i can tell you all....it does NOT get easier

and if you would all follow me around, you would often see and hear me talking to the 'air'
it is not actually air....
i am talking to either thea, or evelyn, or my folks, or gramma rad, or......now trish

i know they hear me
i know that they are saying i talk too much
duh

well if they wouldn't have LEFT ME SO EARLY.....i would NOT be forced to scream at heaven

duh

i will tell you all, i still feel so lost at times

i am doing stuff and keeping busy and doing the seasonal thing
i don't cry every day

i do however make sure i call bob and leave a message daily..... so he has a light blinking on the answering machine AND so i hear trish's voice.....
cause i can't remember my mom's voice at all
so it is nice to still hear trish's
thank you so much bob for keeping her on the answering machine

now thea died in 96, and evelyn in 02
my mom was 85, dad was 98
gram in 03 right after my beloved merry and kisses
i still talk to them all daily....
and talk about them ALOT
so i suppose i hang on to folks....living and dead.....

i don't know if that is a good thing or not

i also know.....when i go
i don't really expect anyone to be sad at all
i don't expect any one to be anything other then ok in their daily life

i imagine that these special to me people would feel the same.....
they don't want me so sad.....or missing them so much

but the fact is right now i do

and it makes me feel very tiny in the big universe

so i grow plants and bake bread
and can food
and feed ducks
and pray daily that i figure a way for us to move to the farm
which seems so very insurmountable right now

however, in the immortal words of a fictional charactor

tomorrow IS another day

signs of spring?

a gold finch at the feeder, more yellow then olive

the drake and duck 'making ducklings'

the cardinals singing from the tops of the trees

tiny violet leaves hiding

the dirt is black and soft

sunlight in my eyes in the morning

a fly in the house

bernie home before dark

too warm to draft the woodstove

71 in the studio without the woodstove on

i crave salad

my seedlings are robust

tiny green leaves and red buds on the trees

could it possible be?

could the promise of rebirth and reawakening be happening right now?

working my way though

i still miss my friend very badly, at least a dozen times a day i almost pick up the phone
i am trying to stay busy
today's busy was baking pie pumpkins and packaging the pulp for the freezer,
watering seedlings
starting to transplant some of the tomatoes

i need to get back to the paperwork project as well

but not only have i been sort of lost
but i have been sort of sick
the food posioning the other week seems to have set off a gallbladder thing
or maybe it was the stress?

so i am sort of out of things either way

but i know.....from past experience that i will get used to this new facet of my life

i may not like it however

i am still hoping to move soon to a farm
or at least a bigger property that i can have my farm ANIMALS on and an orchard, larger garden, and even if i am really lucky.....a managed wood lot

i am trying to get some whole grains in bulk as well now....i plan on grinding our own flour
fresh ground flour to make our bread

as well as other grains such as barley, amaranth, spelt and maybe a few more
i have hopes of moving us out of the commerical food system as much as i can
i just don't trust big agriculture anymore
too too many recalls and outbreaks of toxic diseased foods

and if you are what you eat.......
well you see where this is going

i also think folks need to go back a bit....take a bit more responsiblity for themselves
for feeding and clothing themselves

i used to hear stories of nona's chickens..... she lived in brooklyn!

why aren't people still having a couple chickens and a small garden in the city?
there are rooftops and vacant lots
can the cities not be made to bloom?

there is no excuse for the suburbs
every single house should have a garden and some small livestock, a few chickens, or ducks...maybe meat rabbits
larger properties need small goats and sheep....
just think of the savings on mower and trimming costs

i know folks may not all agree with me....but i am thinking times do come around
and this may be the time to go back a bit

revisit the past....... take some of what was good and can still be useful and practical today

or

maybe i'm nuts

vi

PS: this is where trish would say i'm nuts, and laugh at me
but she would also agree with me
gees i miss her

gmail is out

i get a 502 error, which is 'temporary'
for the past two hours
however some folks with gmail have been out over 12 hours now
as that is now my primary email......i am in serious withdrawl

now in daily news, it's cold out
really cold actually.....about 22 degrees
the heat came on!

i was lazy today and slept in until 9am..... ( which a week or so ago would have only be 8am)
so the woodstove went totally (just a few live coals) out

bernie stoked it last night, i went up to bed a bit early.
i don't know why but i am tired lately
anyhow when bernie stokes the stoke, it goes out too early
i can keep it hot for at least 10 hours but somehow bernie can't seem to

i have to get back to my paper work decluttering today and also transplant seedlings
i just planted a couple more leeks and some more greens even if i have to keep the greens in flower pots on the living room windows....it's time now

i am growing a few new things this year
i am growing a salad green that also produces a sweet red berry fruit
i am growing a cape gooseberry
there are two berries from the huckleberry family, one by luther burbank.
if the seeds outside germinate, i am also growing about 10 different spinaches
and about 12 different assorted salad greens, including a few lettuces
i got a bit heavy handed with the cabbages this year.....
there must be 80 of them
so we are going to have cabbages all over the freeken place

the only pumpkin i am going to grow this year is the heirloom and extremely rare long neck pumpkin
this pumpkin looks ( when ripe) like a very overgrown zucchinni....it's dark green, except for one tiny spot where it rests on the ground....that should be orange...
if so it's ripe...cut it and cure it
and put it in storage.....over the winter it will turn orange
how cool is THAT
?
i went nuts trying to get these seeds
fedco finally had them again and boom...i ordered

the other pumpkin i want is the 'jam' pumpkin
that is from 'seed from italy'
i am hoping to order those seeds and putting that one out next year

i have to tell you all, the ducks have announced in their sort of quiet duck like way.....that it is really truly spring and they are very very busy making ducklings...

i think we need to extend the pen a bit..... AND put a high perch in there for serafina, to get away from falstaff when he gets too amourous....

and he seems to be getting too amourous on an hourly basis.... i would imagine any man over 25 will be very envious of that silly drake....

i want to make a nice chicken pen out there too....the girls do need to go out...and we need three more pullets ....we are out of eggs right now

bernie wants to eat the girls.....i don't think so

speaking of bernie....
he's been home now a few days from his seminar.....
and he is all upset
the dryer broke, he thinks it's a thermal fuse but he couldn't fix it yesterday
(that's ok, cause line drying is a great way to keep electric costs down)
and little calpurrnia pooped on the floor....
he got all upset at that too...
but being it was calpurrnia.... all of course is forgiven....
how could you not?
she looks up at your with them big blue eyes...and jumps into your arms and purrs like her little heart is going to explode with love

that cat can work it


bob put trish's obit up.....
what a beautiful picture of her
what a wonderful tribute to her

and i still keep trying to call her


vi

it seems like time should stop

and just let folks be for a bit

but it doesn't work that way.....if anything, as soon as you think time should stop....it appears to speed up

just a random thought.


today is i believe, easter.

it is certainly spring

the ducks say so, as they are intent on making ducklings
my seedlings under lights here say so
they are huge now.......i just sowed some of them three short weeks ago
they really could be out in the garden now, if it was warmer
that is how large some of them are
i am going to start to move them onto larger pots, and sort a few of them for sale
i have a bit too many herb plants it looks like
sage, sweet marjoram, basil, anise.

thankfully this year i did not plant 100 peppers and 200 tomatoes....i showed SOME restraint

however i certainly WISH i had the garden space for that much

i planted a LOT of banana peppers, as i want to make a base with them, onions and garlic for pork, chicken and beef.

i planted some other sorts of peppers as well i need stuffers and also sweet red ones to dry

the celery is cutting celery, i hope to keep a pot of that in the house

all in all my future vegetable garden is thriving under it's lights, and i am always amazed at the tiny plants that now only fill a 2'X4' space......will grow so large as to fill not only the main garden, but the side garden and the deck garden with extras to give and sell.

those tiny little tomato plants will grow to be 10 feet tall out in the compost enriched soil

that is one of the amazing yearly miracles of spring, and one that i never get tired of

however it always makes me wish i had a greenhouse and cold frames and a much much bigger garden

the aftermath

i miss my friend
i talked to her daily
there are a few people that are such a part of my life......
that daily contact is important to me

i found that i am having trouble knitting.....picking up again
trish and i were planning on knitting a shawl and matching scarf together
and i can't face my needles or my yarn

i call her husband almost every day......
so when he comes home....
there is a blinking light on the answering machine
it isn't much i know
it is also nice to hear her voice on the answering machine, she always had such a soothing voice.....


i wish she'd gotten him the kitten she was talking about
there would be a living being for him to come home to.....that needed and loved, and depended on him

now last week, i was ill with food poisioning
this week bernie was in alabama at a ford training seminar
and i was to the doctor

i have apparently over shot that whole cholesterol thing....
with my cholesterol at 124 now

the good one is great the bad one is low
the balance is perfect but my over all numbers are getting a bit too low now
so icecream all around, suplimented, in no particular order by
steak
cheesecake
butter
eggs
more icecream
whipped cream and a cherry


i am cleaning house.....
a bit here and a bit there
but a bit EVERY DAY
getting ready for planting the garden as well

i see the ducks are planting ducklings..... i have to get out there and set up the nest so i can limit the amount of eggs she lays
i don't want to be over run
and besides i need eggs..... lots of them for baking....
i have too low of cholesterol you know.....

the cats all are mad at bernie.....
they didn't want him to come to bed
i guess they figured he abandoned them

either that or they really liked having more space in the bed.....

knowing them....it's probably the more space thing

til next time

vi

it's all so final

i lost a close friend

suddenly

she crossed with blessed little suffering if any....
it took a breath
she was gone

her body was held to help others
many many others will benefit because this wonderful person, cared so deeply about others suffering that she gave her self.....literally gave her body to help

no greater gift is there.....

i am so devastated

reaching for the phone to call her was such a part of my life

i can't wrap my brain around it all yet

she can't be dead.....she is still in my mind and heart so very much alive

her husband is beyond devastated....... there is no way words can convey how his very soul is ripped apart and shredded

i realize we all must die
no one gets out alive

and if i were to choose my own death..... please make it FAST and sudden.....
no pain
no illness
no suffering

how could i begrudge a friend that i love the same?

yet, i am so incredibly angry..... she's taken from us too soon.....
her husband denied the years of leisured retirement they both planned and worked for

her friends denied the brightness of her laughter

today is gray and heavy rains are coming down...
seems fitting to me

even the universe seems to be crying as hard as i am at her passing


there are others that knew her, and had the same medical crisis she did.....they lived
they feel guilt for that
i am so greatful they did live..... their jobs here are not done
i would not want to have also mourned them

this is hard enough
i am worried about them...... i know that they have a purpose here.....and it is important
their very dailyness of living is part of it

i can't seem to get them to see what i see so very clearly


and i have a question.....

how is it possible for a heart to hurt so very badly...... over and over again....
and not stop beating?
how do people go on after great losses?

i am so tired of the pain of losing family and friends

yet i know..... they are still all around me.....although i can't see them

i dreamt of my friend last night
she seems happy, and healthy.....and ok over there......

is it so very selfish of me to wish......she'd never left us?

i wouldn't want her to be a vegetable..... i am not that selfish....
or her to suffer to stay.....

but i just wish this was all a bad dream.....and i would wake up now

new beginings

my seeds are up
i planted them....had faith in mother nature and i am now welcoming them into the world

i need another flourscent light for them though

i will get that today as well as do town chores

bernie has to go to school in two weeks, he'll be gone i believe 4 days and 3 nights
he is concerned about me being here alone.

we will heap wood on the deck....
give the ducks WAY extra food, just in case we get a storm

georgie up the hill checked her schedule to make sure they are around
and a few other people told me.....if i need anything let them know

i figure i will just have to be a bit more careful
and as long as i do'nt fall in the garden again it should be ok


now..... i have to tell you folks

a friend of mine is very ill
i am extremely worried as i don't know too much except she is in the hospital and it's serious
when i worry i get distracted
and i may not remember to post
i will however clean the house
and i will talk on the phone almost nonstop while doing it

that's how i worry

now when she gets better and reads this......she will of course stop speaking to me

but let me tell you.... i would rather she DOES make it and stop speaking to me....
then cross over

and T when you read this....and YOU had better get well enough to.....or i swear i will haunt you in heaven....

just remember
you are loved

vi

oh most wonderous shredder

thou hast dazzled me with thy brilliance

i love my shredder
where has it BEEN my whole life

i take one bad memory in the form of a letter
SNNNNNNNNNNNNNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

and it's confetti!

amazing

i like to see the little basket fill up
i am next going to burn it all in the bbq

talk about fun

now
that being said....paper work SUCKS

did i say that already? ........well if so it bares repeating

PAPER WORK SUCKS

no that does not make me feel better...

but that shredder sure does..... i can almost understand the fascination men have with them chippers.....

and the SHREDDER even does CREDIT CARDS

that's the BEST

as i had them all laying around for years.....expired ones that i didn't know what to do with

zoooooooooooooooooommmssssssssssssss

through the shredder

it's MAGIC

and the noise is pretty cool too


vi

til next time

paperwork.....the new torture

i hate paperwork
now i know you are nodding your head and saying....'yeah, who doesn't'
but
let me tell you......i am NOT kidding...

today after 20 years...i have decided to tackle the boxes of paperwork
now i did the tax type paperwork yearly
but the other stuff like credit card offers.....
aarp offers
magazines
it's all stuff with our names and addresses or other personal information
i haven't known what to do with it all!

well we finally got a shredder
and i got a bunch of bankers boxes to sort it all out

i even got a box for cards from loved ones........cause i can't throw them out

and while it isn't fun
it's not as nightmarish
almost

it is however at times torturous

i found old letters from favorite relatives that have been long deceased.....
i miss them so much

i found pictures of my beloved dog

i found all sorts of things

some stuff made me laugh

some stuff had me in tears

some stuff had me shaking my head and still wondering why

and unfortunately it also is breaking my back! seriously.....my back is HURTING!
did you know paperwork is HEAVY

it's physcially heavy and apparently emotionally heavy as well

i plan on burning the shredded stuff.....
in the bbq as it has social security numbers and account numbers etc

i already have a very large box of paper that can either be recyled or composted
that is making me happy

when i get it all finished, i know i will have even more to shred such as old bills and deposit slips etc from the 80's and 90's


i think this is also the first time in a very LONG time that i am actually doing a spring cleaning of sorts

i think it is time no?

anyway....
that's what i am trying to get done right now...
i thought it would takes me about two weeks...but i am realizing it is going to take a bit longer.....

oye

what do i do to myself
????



vi

testosterone poisoning

it is a terrible thing to see

i feel it is my public duty as a woman to alert you all to the symptoms of testosterone poisoning.....

i must warn all the faint of heart or easily offended to please back away from the screen now.....seriously...it won't do you any good to stay....

you gone?

ok for the ones who are left


are there women out there who live with men..... ( even men in training aka: boys)
who wonder just why they do the things they do?

and why at times we want to strangle either them or ourselves with a runless pair of pantyhose (extra support, sheer to the toe, size c)

yes it is all from testosterone poisoning

today, when we were out at best buys just LOOKING at a computer.....my husband suddenly and for no reason started to complain LOUDLY that this store was a rip off as the tower didn't come with a monitor

yup testosterone poisoning

and do i have to remind you all of the weed whacker incident?
when he bought a new weed whacker and went around striking terror into the hearts of every expensive cultivar i had planted here...... while the actual weeds rolled on the floor laughing their assets off????
only to finish up by slicing in half a brand new soaker hose...laid out in a recently planted bed?

yup testosterone poisoning

it's the same syndrome that makes men THINK they actually know what they are talking about...or that they actually have something to SAY about how you run the household

it's an evil evil thing....and even the most innocent manlet will have the beginnings of it

have you ever watched a man in full testosterone frenzy?
such as crushing a beer can on their heads

spending WAY TOO FREEKEN MUCH MONEY on something incredibly stupid like a jet powered riding lawnmower with attached flame thrower?

or screaming until they are hoarse at some silly tv screen while wearing their favorite team's body paint....( on your new sofa)

and if after a man has been in the bathroom, even the dog runs away and barfs.......

and what mother willing goes into her teenaged son's room....
gees the stench alone permeates the entire house the second the door is opened
AIRWICK solids shrivel up and die in that room in about an hour......

even YOUNGER boys....have that 'odor'......ewwwwwww.
remember from when you were a kid.....boys had cooties cause they SMELLED bad...

ewwwww


well you can look no further
the diagnosis is confirmed.....
testosterone poisoning.....

and sadly

there is no cure

( not even neutering them at birth cause apparently their brains are bathed in testosterone even in utero.......)



i have no solution......but i felt i had to warn you all

now

if it gets too bad
and some of you are tempted to whack him with his own weed whacker.....
remember this

no one looks good in neon orange jump suits

and community showers don't give you time to moisturize properly...let alone pluck your chin hairs.....


ok off my soap box now


til next time

vi