just a bunch of stuffs

i have been thinking of my eldest neice.......she's about 8 years younger then me.
all grown now with chicklets of her own.
i do miss her.....or more exactly the child she was when she lived with us
i adored that kid.
she used to follow me around like a puppy, and i spent numerous pay checks on her and her sister.
haven't spoken to her since 1992
i did communicate with her in 1995
but that was pretty much it
it's apparently her choice... as she never responded after i sent her a huge box of stuff for her first born (and my great neice)
i saw her and her sister on face book and pm'd her...... that was back in september or august, and i've never heard from her

tonight ( you'll read this in the AM) i am listening to music (don't drop dead yet) classical music and knitting on my scarf.......waiting for bernie to get home... and thinking of the kids
(we all always referred to my neices as 'the kids', as they were kids when bernie and i married als0)
i am getting to the point in my life, where i am thinking about the end of my life... no doubt because almost everyone i knew is gone now......
and also because one of bernie's younger friend's died yesterday.....just never woke up
that is a very easy way to go

no one knows when they will be finished here, but i just realized that my days are more numbered then ever before
i have stuff that when i do go, needs to go to the kids
stuff that was my mother's and i promised on her death bed that if i did not have children that the kids would get it
bernie and i discussed it and he isn't too crazy about the idea....
oh well

one of the other things i am thinking of is moving vs staying
i think even if i did want to stay........it's impossible
i realized that these past few weeks while i did bernie's chores in addition to mine,
the house is not set up to easily take care of if you are elderly and even slightly handicapped
just getting the wood in is a nightmare
i got the wood cart but still need to get it up to the front porch......which may mean over the front lawn and a nightmare of ice during the winter
there isn't any easy way for me to get my wood in without bernie

what if bernie isn't in the picture?
some of this is hard and sobering to think about......
what IF bernie isn't in the picture....
how do i manage?
what if I am not in the picture? how does bernie manage.......?
(he'll do much better without me then i will do without him)

i think we need to start to think of a ranch type house
on a slab..........
with level property