Truly I come by it honestly……

I was recently contacted by a family member I have not seen in about 20 years, this is for her really, if she comes by again....... as she was too young when it happened to laugh about it or even know about it. Anyway, maybe you all will enjoy reading about my family's crazys


My whole family is nuts…..I swear the lot of them are certifiable.
I don’t know if it is because we are Italian, and rather…….ah…… unique
Or we are truly just all insane. But if you folks wonder why I see things a bit left from center, well............... this is one of the reasons

I remember one time, when my dad was 70………. he ran away from home!

The first clue I had that something was wrong was there was a bag of grapes on my windowsill……… of course being this is my life….. it was infested with yellow jackets….( you know the wasp)

I knew something was up cause in my family a bag of fruit meant something was up, and it wasn't good news….
( what like the mafia has the kiss of death, & we have fruit? WHAT sort of demented reasoning is that? aunt martha died........quick get the pineapple? gee and some families just call or send a card huh?)

I shoo-ed away the wasps and grabbed the fruit, as I opened my front door the phone was ringing….

Naturally it was mom……( why yes………we are all psychic how did you guess?)
Mom: ‘your father has run away from home’
Me: ‘yes mom I know…..i found the bag of fruit on the window sill’

(this may be Italian for…….’I’ve left your mother in a fit of stupidity, and now I am here to make YOU crazy’- or I could be wrong)

Mom: ‘ so he’s been there already then?’

Meanwhile

DING DONG……….. and it ain’t the avon lady…….


Mom: ‘ don’t tell him it’s me on the phone’ naturally mom knows it’s dad…..I mean heaven forbid one of my friends would decide to intrude on this family melodrama.
Me: ‘no mom, lemme get the door’

I get the door
Yup
Dad………………..

Dad: ‘I’ve left your mother’
Me: ‘oh?’
( meanwhile I am thinking to myself…….. and when did this become MY problem?, ok so I also thought a bunch more to myself but those things are not repeatable in mixed company)
Dad: ‘yes I have left your mother……..’
Me: ‘ok , why?’
Dad: ‘she won’t give me any closet space’

Ok now let’s back this up a bit……. Dad is notorious in the family for not only being hard to buy for…..but for NOT wanting clothes…. He has a suit that is got to be 95 years old, one dress shirt, one tie……….three pairs of work pants with shirts to match….most of which aren’t too holey……
Everything you buy him, he just gives away……
And HE is complaining about closet space……..

THE MAN HAS NOTHING TO HANG UP!

Me: ‘ok, I will make the coffee’

I mean what else you going to do………
Dad stayed a while and ranted and raved……. Bernie got home, we had dinner………

I figured we would put dad up in our room and we would take the floor…. ( one bedroom apartment at the time)

Dad: ‘I’m not staying………….. I will find a hotel’
Me: ‘dad it is 9pm you can’t find one now’
Dad: (forever stubborn) “ I don’t want to put you folks out’
Dad to BERNIE: ‘make sure you mow the lawn for mom, and take out the garbage on Thursdays’ ( remember dad doesn’t want to put us out……. I’m thinking that is code for “I am really pissy, and everyone is going to suffer, while I decide to have my hissy fit’)


Me: ‘ok’ (see I learned early on..........when dealing with irrational people...... simple one word answers are probably best.......and the least likely you get you grounded for the rest of your natural life)
Bernie looks stunned………….

RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Dad: ‘I’m not here’
Me: ‘hello’
MOM: ‘is your father still there?’
Me : ‘why yes we have some bananas, how many would you like?” ( I mean this IS the monkey house at the zoo right? You ain’t gonna find Ozzy and Harriet here bucko)

Dad leaves
Mom rails on and on about how terrible dad is……and that I am to feed him and make sure he is ok

Mom hangs up
And I fill poor Bernie in on everything that is going on…..

We go to sleep……
Saturday morning 8 am………..

DING DONG………

Dad walks in looking TERRIBLE like death and taxes

Me: ‘DAD, you look TERRIBLE’
Dad: ‘ I slept in the truck’
Me AND BERNIE: ‘ oh my GOD, why?’
Dad: ‘ I didn’t know that the hotels charged by the hour……….$35.00 an hour’

By this time Bernie and I are trying hard to stifle our laughter……
Because really this is Dad you know……and he is 70……. And it is November…..
But damn he did do this to himself……
So to cover the mirth……
We make the coffee then Bernie gets the bagels…..
We feed Dad and the phone rings……
Of course it’s mom……
She knows dad is there…..but has to go on and on and on and ON….( told you all I come by it honestly)
Meanwhile DAD is going on and on and on and on to Bernie, who is trying hard to look sympathetic……but is still secretly laughing his ass off about dad finding out about the ‘no tell motels’

Ok lets fast forward now a bit…..
Dad has been out of the house and I think by my Uncle Joey for about 2 weeks
It’s Saturday, I am home cleaning…… Bernie is working

Mom pops in…….
We are talking
And DAD pops in

They rush to the door……….and get STUCK in the door way…..
YELLING at each other the entire time….
I swear on my curly cats heads……I could NOT stop laughing…..
So naturally they started to yell at ME……..
Still stuck in the doorway….
It’s enough to have a person be looking around for the hidden camera….

THIS HAS to be some kind of a cosmic joke no? ( and you all wonder why I keep telling you......Larry moe and curly run the universe and they as you all know ARE CHICKENS)

Oh man did I get yelled at
‘don’t talk that way to your mother’ ‘don’t’ talk that way to your father’

I grabbed a set of keys and proceeded to tell them…..

THIS IS MY HOUSE
YOU do not pay the rent here, nor the bills, I DO………
YOU won’t talk to me like that in my own house
And I am NOT giving you back these keys
You all have one set of keys
LEAVE TOGETHER
Either make up or kill each other……
But
NO ONE IS GOING TO DO THIS TO ME IN MY OWN HOUSE ANYMORE

Now if looks could kill, you all would be reading this on a Ouija board……
But they did leave……

( I still can't believe I told them off like that but I do occationally have finer moments........)

The next day my Aunt rose called….. wondering if I knew where my folks were….
I told her what went on
We were both sure that they’d killed each other and we had only to await the state police showing up for us to have to go and identify the bodies
I even CALLED my cousins that are cops to see if they’d gotten a couple of ‘does’ reported

Turns out my folks decided on a second honeymoon….and went upstate….
Scared the living shit outta me, I tell you
Gees raising parents ain’t easy………
But I think it did work out better that way.. I really did not feel like identifying the bodies, or facing the reporters you know.

So I come by it honestly…..
But now that I have told you all…… I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to be awaken in the middle of the night by both my deceased parents……who will again go on and on and on and ON…….. about telling the family secrets…..

In MY family, just cause you’re dead doesn’t mean you still don’t have an opinion, it just means you eat less……


but they better watch their ghostly ass' cause I got a LOT more stories........................

ha
so there
vi

ps: bernie has a crazy sister in jersey..........after we met her I turned around and said 'i am sure glad that the nuts and squirrels are falling out of YOUR family tree for a change'