the day after

no one slept last night
not me
not bernie
not the cats either
in fact cats kept walking all over me all night and sniffing at me, pawing at me

i put malcom in the back part of the big pen again
and the little girls in the front part of the big pen
so far malcom seems like a perfectly normal drake
not exceedingly aggressive......nothing like thumbprint

i missed a few spots of blood in the back pen, the girls didn't however.
they investigated it all
i did put down fresh bedding after i hosed it all out

a lot of folks have been calling to make sure i am ok and i am pretty grateful for that.

i put up the turkey (finally) that should have been finished monday into the stock pot and plan on canning it as soon as i can
i need to do more dishes

bernie felt pretty bad, as he really liked thumbprint, and if any of the ducks were his, it was thumbprint.
he thought he was a really neat little guy
meanwhile i am living with the 'what if's' and the 'where did i go wrong with this creature'
and of course the ultimate 'what the hell did i do'
and it's never easy coming to terms with having taken a life
but at least when you raise something for that purpose you have a lot of time to deal with it
and you sorta are ok with it

i have realized that i will never be a person that takes a life callously. That i have a very deep reverence for life
however i also do realize that i know there are times when it has to be
that with the best available knowledge i have at the time.....sometimes that is the answer
i also realized again
that as much as i hate it
i am strong enough to make really hard decisions........or maybe it's what i want to tell myself.
the only other alternative would have been to basically put thumbprint in prison, solitary confinement.
that isn't a life for a flocking or herding animal
and so i go over and over and over in my head

now i am trying to put something together for us for this holiday
i am conflicted as to all the stuff going on in my head

i know i cried really hard again last night, when bernie got home and we talked about this
and i know, i didn't sleep
so i guess i am still human right?
that this bothered me and bothered me deeply, in spite of folks making a joke out of it
now maybe they made a joke out of it because it bothered them?
(however that would be poor taste no?)
i hope it did bother them just a tiny bit, as i kind of think that it should, just simply to make sure a person still has a bit of compassion left
no?

ok folks you all please have wonderful holidays ok?
and let me know about them
so i can live vicariously ok?
take good care

vi