reflections on turning 58

i never thought i would see this age
i was so sickly as a kid i figured 16 was being optimistic-
i had gotten so many things that 'almost' killed me (really they should have but somehow i got medical attention in the nick of time)
then i figured with all the crap wrong with me......maybe 50 was shooting pretty high
now on the eve of 58
i find myself surprised
i also find myself very reflective of the people that i have now...the people i lost
and the people that lost me

i still am of the impression that this would be a giant classroom here
that is the only logical explanation of some of the stuff i've witnessed, some of the history i've read
i do wonder what comes after, although i was given i believe glimpses
and visits

i also wonder why i was given a predisposition and drive to do what i do....to paint, sculpt, work with my hands, read, study, explore how things are made.
why me?
why was i given this when i had a profoundly handicapped cousin...

there are times when i enjoy parts of my life..... like when i am learning something new.....
and it's working
or i make a huge stride as a painter.....
when my animals are healthy, my garden does well
when i hear people laughing with me

i don't enjoy this fibromyalgia stuff at all ......the unexplained insane pain
the energy level below that of a corpse
the inability to heal fast (4 months and counting from that last fall in december)

and today, on the eve of my 58th birthday
my inability to paint like i am used to

now my goals for the remaining years of my life
well they include a bunch of stuff

1. feeling better and more movement 
2. us moving to a deltec (that is now my dream house, a net zero energy round house)
3. putting my work to work... for our retirement income
4. enjoy my life more

that's pretty much it
there are a few other things ...odds and ends...but those are the big ones

so there you have it
on the eve of 58

life without fawn

it not easy, i keep telling myself she's sleeping by the window
or she's in the crate under the covers

i miss her so badly

i am slowly trying to adjust to life without her in it
for a tiny little cat she sure left a HUGE hole

some of what is going on...
i am turning in a local facility to the attorney general for non disclosure of fees, that they are trying to charge me

i am trying to get back to work

i am contemplating a few projects to work on, one that involves a pond
and one that involves old folk/fairy tales

right now i am sort of avoiding the shells on my table that i've been planning to paint
as i am needing light bulbs (of all things huh?)
and i don't have any to put into some lamps for temporary still life lighting

meanwhile monday is my birthday.. fawn was my birthday present 10 years ago..... and i find it so ironic that she left me before my birthday.
can you tell how much i miss her and how lost i am?

the other two laperms are just as lost without their grandmother

well, to finish up the birthday thingie....i was supposed to get me a present,
and then bernie said 'the van is going into the body shop in mid april'
so much for that

so that's what's up with us here
i've also been having a rough fibro flare, so can't get the seeds started or some other stuff done
but i am hoping as soon as the weather turns and keeps up a bit more stable

take good care

fawn 12/1/1999-3/11/2015

we lost her
i can't even begin to say how deep this hurts
the day after falstaff died, fawn threw another clot and was paralyzed
not in pain
eating well
but unable to move her hind legs
so we took her to the vet and had him do acupuncture
then we took her home and took care of her
moving her
keeping her clean
making her legs move
she started to recover
started to move her tail on it's own
started to have feeling coming back and movement in her legs
then
a sudden final fatal stroke/clot
it was over so fast
when i realized there was no coming back from that one i begged her to go
so she wouldn't suffer
she stretched out her paw but didn't leave until bernie promised her he would take care of me for her

i still can't face that she's really gone now

this was a nightmare end to a nightmare winter
where we lost so many of our very old animals
even though we did everything we could not to

i would love to tell you all how amazing and special and heroic this cat was
but really i can't find the words
i can hardly see the screen through the tears