i often think........(or something to incite almost everyone)

(and half my friends just fell over reading that)

about the big questions in life.... my mind, when left to it's own devices tends to drift to either quantum physics....or the big questions... who are we? where did we come from?

and over the years i've found some answers that work for me
(no religious preaching please..... one answer i found was an extreme distrust of orthodox religion and the bible )

today, in dealing with some really annoying issues relating to my medical insurance coverage..... i am again (while on endless phone hold) thinking about 'what is it all about'
we are insignificant specks of not even dust on a cosmic scale.....
and i am not so self centered to think that we are the most important things in the universe
actually i suspect we are just as important or unimportant as any amoeba or tick or rat or plant or thought or cloud on any planet anywhere in the known or unknown universe

so what makes our problems, differences, likes and dislikes so damn important?
is there a superior species shaking their heads and watching us...... like an older wiser relative?
sighing while waiting for us to grow the F*ck up?

and also as thousands of others before me.... i look up at the sky and wonder

one theory i feel is that, we are all together tiny but essential parts of the whole that makes up what folks maybe refer to as god............. it just resonates with me.
so in other words there isn't one little old man in a white nightgown in the sky watching us for any mistake we make in his contradictory rules that may or may not be written by a bunch of possibly not so well meaning scribes.....

so in other words.... the spark of divine in me and in you and in grass is all equal and equally important
and all together work together to make up, at least our part of the universe....

so maybe it's all a grand evolutionary experiment?
as there is no annihilation of energy, but just a change in form- maybe the coherence that puts that energy together in a form that i can recognize as me....is that part that also somehow reaches out (i'm thinking something along the lines of the quantum physics theory of spooky action at a distance) and holds hands with every other drop of energy and all together make up not only 'god' but the universe

(no it's not easy being me...and i'm not all here right now, being on hold waiting for help with my insurance issue..... the muzac is lulling me into a trance)-- and after over an hour on hold....i'm still no further along with this insurance problem

lately i have been wondering why i'm bothering to work so hard at being a better artist....
i know i won't stop working hard as it's not in me to stop... i work very hard at whatever i do- partly cause..what else are you going to do with your lifetime? and partly because that's just me
(i've never been a tv person, so reading, making things, growing things, all that's what i put my energy to ** with the exception of house cleaning**)
and without constantly doing, creating, reading, walking ducks..... time would hang very very heavy on my hands

but still i wonder why at times
why anything?
i have an irresistible passion for the things i am interested in... so that keeps driving me.... but i still do wonder what ultimately it's all for

do you?