not all anniversaries are good ones

today while you read this, i will be remembering my mother
who died on this date, also on a sunday.
(she actually died sometime overnight......she went out with the solstice )
we buried her christmas eve.
my dad was a mess and so left me to make the arrangements
believe me it was a very very low point in my life

however, it does comfort me to think that my mom went home to spend the holidays with HER mom, dad, siblings, grands........... friends
all who'd crossed over prior to this.
and i realize that when it's my turn, i will be doing the same thing, ........going home.

i miss my mom in odd ways and at odd times.... i see her in dreams so that's not too bad then, but i miss talking to her
bernie used to laugh cause i would call her up and say 'i'm not speaking to YOU but......'
and then we'd talk for 2 hours of 'not speaking to each other'
i guess we had a complicated relationship.

mom put her foot down with dad on my side several times.... really important times
like art school......
dad said no way
mom let him have it.....and i got to go to art school, which is a very good thing cause you really wouldn't want me in an office type situation.......art departments are very different from normal offices (or they used to be)
and i think we can all agree that i would be wasted on any other job.....right?

she also put her foot down when my first car was totaled (by dad).......every penny i had saved was put into that car and there was nothing left....
mom made dad get me a car, and even forced him to get me a yellow one (the one i wanted) not the green one i hated

the last cogent thing mom said to me was......'promise me you'll take care of your father'
i did
so this time of the year is poignant for me, bittersweet with good and bad memories
christmas eve.....even after all this time is the day i buried my mother.
although i am going to try to remember that it is also the day my mom got to go home to her mom......

i am trying to think of something else uplifting to say to you folks who stop by to read me.....
because really, it's not so bad, after all these years, i am used to it
i don't think you get over it.....but i know you do get used to it
it's like a scar on your body.....it's there....most of the time you don't think about it too much, and the idea that the people that you love who are no longer with you, but have gone home..... that does really help a lot.

anyway......to my parents.....
have a wonderful holiday in heaven with all the family that has gone on before.....
save me a seat by the fire (and one for bernie too please) for when it's my time to come home
i hope that i have done you proud

love from bina (my family's name for me)
your youngest child