and we changed the number

since the cell is in my name anyway, (so i can deal with whatever while bernie's on the road)
he called this morning and said 'change the number'
so i did
this former trainer is unhinged
bernie is going to report him to the company too
this trainer was so busy NOT training bernie while flipping out on his personal problems that now bernie is still out on the road, the extra road time/expenses is not what we budgeted for
the good news is the new trainer is actually training bernie
and that it should only take a week
it was clear to the new trainer that the old one did NOT do his job
as bernie is picking up the stuff the new trainer is teaching him...FAST
some stuff he never knew about so old trainer screwed up big time

my question....... do we have a freeken SIGN over our heads?

but i am a lot calmer now that bernie is with someone normal and rational

not quite yet...

that insane megalomaniac FORMER trainer of bernie's wouldn't sign off on his training
so the company put bernie out for another week or so with a more experienced trainer

well it turns out that former idiot shit for brains trainer didn't bother to actually TRAIN bernie
too busy worried about his marital problems, and trying to control every second of bernie's life to actually do his FUCKING JOB

the new trainer is actually training bernie, who is thank goodness, more relaxed AND
ABLE TO CALL ME ANY TIME HE ISN'T DRIVING- if only for a second

it's helped a lot as i was bitterly disappointed that he wasn't going to be home tomorrow

to add insult to injure
former shit for brains trainer is stalking bernie....calling him constantly...... and not leaving a message
not texting him either
so bernie wasn't about to answer the phone
i told him that is wise cause if it was nothing.... he'd leave a message
he doesn't want to leave a message so i guess he's planning on leaving a threat

OMFG......is this insane?

we are thinking of changing bernie's cell phone number and he is definitely reporting it to the company

meanwhile- i am totally out of wood now
i'm scrounging around for burnable stuff while waiting for a wood guy ANY WOOD GUY to call me back and dump a load
most of what i am trying to burn is soaking wet

this was definitely not my year at all so far

now in a more upbeat vein.....bernie's 'graduation' present came
i got him a sourdough bread book
he's been asking for sourdough
now i am going to get a starter, as i don't have the time to make one myself before he gets home

also calpurrnia is much better....even her cold
but she's shitting all over the damn house
i think that is cause she is pretty much had it with a no daddy house too

mommy certainly is beyond had it with a no daddy house

i need a vacation after this
and to sleep through the night for at least a month
no?

oye

beginning of week 8

bernie's last week in training (THANK GOODNESS)
calpurrnia is better, still weak, still a bit wobbly..... still not totally on solid foods yet
enjoying being hand fed
but alive! and alert

this past week was another week to be endured
poor bernie is exhausted, he's rarely got down time or time to call home (his trainer is a dickwad)
he texts me when ever he can find time-this is the start of his last training week thank goodness

he should be home next week sometime- about when we run out of wood
oye

meanwhile with calpurrnia so sick, and some other nightmare things that happened this week, i too am exhausted
i got very little sleep

now today we are to get a storm again, from what i see outside it looks like mainly rain off the branches, but it's early yet
i am hoping to make a beginning of a sour dough starter today, with the wild yeasts that are on wheat hulls, so i'll be grinding flour- i may also make bread, i am not sure yet if i will or won't

in painting news, i'm not
i am planning out the next one but have had problems for the moment painting
i am still working but right now it's research and layouts
however i have done a few fast studies of snowflakes for finishing up this painting
right now i would rather it done right
of course right and fast is better.... however i have the luxury at the moment of resting out my arm

yesterday i got a bunch of wood in, in anticipation of this coming storm.
i got the duck pens freshened with a layer of hay
washed all the water pails (i can't wait to wash the ponds when there is no ice on them)
refilled the chickens feeder and added oyster shell to all the feed bowls again (the ducks laid a shell less egg)
i did dishes and tried to take care of some paperwork
as well as other odds and ends
in between hand feeding calpurrnia-
i really need to clean the bathroom and the bedroom though
and i probably should think about getting the ladder out so i can do laundry (the washer is very hard for me to reach into so i gotta use the ladder and kitchen tongs to get stuff out)

if it's warm enough today, i am thinking of letting the stove go and cleaning that again
we have some very light fast burning wood (not pine) that is great for cleaning the chimney etc....BUT
it makes a ton of ash in there so while i use it so that i get a hot fire fast in the middle night stokings
i know i have to deal with a big coal/ash bed the next day

i am so going to get those blocks for the woodstove as soon as i can get to tractor supply

now i am needing to write a bio for me, to submit to an agent
this isn't easy for me at all
ask me to write an article about medieval clothing........not too bad a gig
about growing veggies from seed ....'ditto'
but a bio....oye

ok so that's my week
i'm about to have more coffee and get going for the day

calpurrnia is very very sick

she's been poisoned.
we think it was that she ate a plant as i found some chewed leaves in her vomit
but now i am wondering

i rushed her to the vet this morning, he gave her activated charcoal......something else and a shot
she was a lot better
she stopped foaming and drooling
her and i drove home through the snow and sleet
we got home .......decided to go back in the crate
ok so i put her hot rice socks in with her
thaddeaus started to bug her so i shut the door
she called me a bit later to let her out and she vomited up the charcoal
sooooooooooo we called the vet again
anyway....... it's touch and go
i'm up with her and staying up all night
changing out her hot rice socks
i am totally exhausted
i've not slept much.......and i'm still sick.... i also apparently didn't bring in enough wood for today even though i thought i did
4 wood carts full didn't get me even two days

i swear i am so tired my skin is crawling
however there isn't anything i can do about it

if calpurrnia dies she will not be alone

meanwhile the stress on bernie is overwhelming too ....his trainer is riding him like a dog
between the two of us...... please

i had to tell him that calpurrnia may not make it
i am hoping however that she does

now i gotta go and snooze a bit in the chair next to her

from my point of view

the trucking industry sucks big time
now i am sure there are folks that love it.
but from what i am seeing.......

it is exploitative of the drivers- disrespectful of their lives and family
(yesterday werner trucking called bernie, refused to give me their name nor leave a message, and hung UP on me, i goggled the phone number and now have blocked all werner numbers i could find from calling here)
meanwhile i haven't heard from bernie in a few days
which means that the trainer is being abusive again.... like he was in the beginning (until bernie told him that maybe bernie wasn't cut out for this and was going to quit- then the guy was texting him all the time while bernie was on home time- he also tried to get bernie NOT to take his home time- telling him 'you may not get me back as a trainer' ------- i woulda say YEAH)

i know that the money is not great, and that with the hours etc.....these guys make like 2.00 an hour when you figure it all out

the food over the road sucks......seriously unhealthy for these drivers
the sitting down all the time is VERY unhealthy....but they have no choice, as they need to make miles
and the isolation of the job i think is very damaging to them as well

i don't think he thought this one out as thouroughly as he should have- and i am thinking he's more then realized that now

i know i've pretty much had it....
meanwhile i got a cold or something
swollen glands, sore throat and coughed up a bit of blood (which i think is from the sore throat)
achy body....... but only a tiny mild temp
enough to make me totally miserable but still able to struggle through chores

thank goodness this nightmare should be over soon

the home stretch?

ok bernie was home for four days, then had to leave to go back out on the road, finishing up this portion of his training.
march 1 is the end of the 8 weeks, at that point he'll be dropped off in nebraska for another 2 days orientation, before he solos back to pa.....
once here, he again goes into orientation with his dedicated run..... followed by training at his dedicated run

so i am really hoping he gets home the first week of march
his time home here was spent mostly doing chores, eating and sleeping
we spent the whole four days doing stuff to get him ready again to go back out on the road
he was however home for our anniversary on the 11th

he said he really doesn't like over the road (which is good cause he is not supposed to BE over the road)
he was painfully homesick
all of us here at home missed him so bad that he literally waded through ducks and chickens and cats....... (and me)

i also tried hard to make sure he had 'home alone' time, as he's been cooped up in a truck for all this time......24/7 with a stranger
bernie needs a lot of down time, and when he's home, he will work on a model or read, usually in the same room i am working in but he's in his space......i don't usually intrude on it
there are also a lot of things that he does without me around
errands a lot of the time
we balanced together time with him alone, i think it was difficult for both of us as neither one of us wanted the other out of their sight for long
but he really needed some alone time
he moved all our wood to the deck now...... and when i looked i realized that we are going to need at least another 2 cords to finish the winter out..... he thinks he'll be home for when i need to get the wood delivered
i hope so cause if not i am going to have them deliver it ON THE FRONT DOOR

i fed him good of course.....
i repacked his bags with clean clothes, more 'hugs from home' and tiny little surprises
along with a vday card and tiny heart of chocolates
i also made sure he had food with him going out there again, oatmeal, salads, protein bars, shelf stable microwaveable meals and DARK chocolate for stress reduction

i am going on record as stating i do NOT approve of the shelf stable meals at ALL...... nor the protein bars but for now they are necessary evils

while he was home i taught him to make 100% whole wheat bread from freshly ground hard red wheat..
we used a no knead recipe
he was totally amazed and loved the bread
i told him when he comes home, we'll make him sourdough rye bread from fresh ground rye flour
actually he's got a LOT of stuff to look forward to when he finally gets home and life goes back to the new normal

i know he's looking forward to an end of training......
it's amazing to me that he agreed to such an arduous situation.....but not that he is finishing it
when it comes to his job, he's got tenacity
i miss him terribly but i am very proud of him
i think i am even prouder of him realizing that over the road is not for him
and realizing how much he really is a home body and family man

i don't think he quite realized that before as clearly as now....
so that's good

in painting news, i am still waiting to finish the ice princess and then start the goddess of the reindeer
i need to do another 'cold' painting after that....but then i plan on starting teacups with flowers
and hopefully botanical paintings
i wish i could go for a course .....there is a great one out at the ny botanical gardens and another great one down near philly....both of which are NOT within commuting distances
so i am going to be on my own with that
i think i can teach myself, as i taught myself so much other stuff

one of my teachers in art school said ' once you are out of art school, your REAL education begins'

and i have discovered that she was right (my etching teacher, i think her name was grunelle)
i am still amazed i am learning watercolor on my own, every painting is another experiment.... and moves me a bit forward

my thoughts as an artist have changed too....... as well as my attitude
so that is all good no?

anyway, i have to get the ducks and chickens out now, then bring the wood in
i think after that i am going to try and paint

my hands have been a bit shakey and a bit.......messed up (thyroid issues i suspect)
my skins all screwed up too

but i am going to try and paint

i hope everyone is surviving the winter and has had a wonderful vday.......

take good care

cleaning the woodstove at 3am

well, it's not my idea of fun but it'd died down enough to get in there so...
3am .....me,......the woodstove....my ash bucket.....yup a date

now i am just waiting for the chimney stack temps to stablize...and i am going to go up again
.
yesterday i hauled in four full wood carts-
my knees won't bend today
bernie texted me, he's in ohio or on his way to ohio...
he's trying to get home

friday is 5 weeks for him out on the road..... and almost 6 since i've seen him.
our 36 anniversary is monday
he's dreadfully home sick

i am managing better then i expected...although i am really banged up by falling wood.
and i am sick of climbing the ladder with the kitchen tongs to reach into the washing machine....
meanwhile in chicken and duck news.......we have eggs

oh boy do we have EGGS
i really do need to bake or freeze a lot of them
i've got three of the four hens laying a few times a week now
so i have a lot of eggs
i told bernie when he gets home he's going to have a 27 egg omlet

now would be the time to try egg tempera if i only HAD the time

oye

i did pretty good yesterday in spite of now being sore, stiff, tired and aching
i got litter boxes done
all that wood done (took all damn day)
i just now cleaned the wood stove
ducks and chickens fed and watered (they didn't go out yesterday- they stayed in the inside pens)
budgies fed and watered
cats fed and watered
(ok so animal chores are daily)

dishes done

but i didn't shovel
i should have but just could not spare the energy
the gods of snow and wind and melt need to be with me and remove the snow that they deposited
i am just too tired to

ok off to bed now.....the stove is cooking pretty good
and i am hoping for at least 4 more hours sleep maybe

midwinter thaw but it sure ain't gonna last

and it's pouring rain....
we're due high winds..... with a snowy finish

how's that for mother nature having peri menopausal mood swings?

me, i am coming down with something... something cold-ish....intestinal-ish.....
tired, achy etc......
and it's more then just the usual mid winter sleep deprived exhaustion
i had to go to town today so i took dayquil to keep me going
forgot to eat though...
i did have coffee, took my thyroid meds ( i don't know why i bother, they aren't doing much lately)
gave the cats their hot fancy feast (and fawn got HER thyroid meds)
fed and watered the chickens, budgies, and ducks.......took the ducks OUT
stoked up the stove and then

went to town... but realized i had forgotten to bring the keys (amoung other things) to the PO box so had to come back-
then after the po (i was embarrassed, as kelly had to give me a box to put all the mail in- and i still have not had the energy to open ANYTHING in there, including a package from a dear friend)
i got cat food.......
i got gas in the van all by myself.....i think i put the gas cap back on right, maybe not
then i came home to bring in the cat food and mail....... as with still some logs in the back i didn't have much room

then went to the grocery store
which was a disaster
i was so worried about the gastric upset that i had going on......(and i could hear it rumbling)
that i left without my leeks and flour......the lady had to run after me
i was so embarrassed
at that point i was so ready to text bernie and tell him i hated him (he normally does little errands or we do them together and he pumps gas) now i didn't really hate him but this training thing is getting to me
it's way to freeken long
especially during the worst part of winter
now i believe his trainer is going to go home for his home time break... bernie will be in a hotel during that time
WTF?
he was RIGHT HERE YESTERDAY why couldn't they just have left him here while the trainer took home time?
save the expense of a hotel.....no?
needless to say i am not happy at the moment

of course i am tired, sick, tired, hungry and stressed right now so that may have something to do with it
oh and tomorrow i have to get a ton of wood in again........to get me through this latest cold snap-with my shoulders hurting and threatening to freeze on me

did i mention i  want chinese food....? i do.....really bad too
and a roast beef
with pan drippings

and most of all i want bernie home and to sleep through the night

friday we're half way through this
more or less
oye

storm storm storm storm, get your weekly storm here

half way done

today's storm is freezing rain sleet and snow
and i did WAY too much moving of wood over the weekend......
let's just say, part of my spring plans are going to be including pt on my shoulders again-
ice princess is coming along, painfully, slowly, as i have time (and movement) to paint.
today actually i am going to get a bit more time as it's warm enough to be able to have a log take a few hours with a good BTU output so i am hoping to get a lot more done on her background today

this coming friday is the midway point of bernie's training.... i know he's homesick now.
how long can you keep someone cooped up in a truck away from home and family and expect them NOT to be homesick
and i know he misses the little things,
daily showers
fresh baked homemade from scratch cookies
home cooking
just talking
cuddling with me and the animals....
i bet he even misses the hugs of the ducks at this point

meanwhile i am doing a ton of damage to my poor decrepit old lady body- although i rather doubt people half my age could keep up with the amount of wood i'm moving daily
i'm as stubborn as an ox so i keep going
i didn't say i was smarter then a dead gnat ......cause anyone in their right mind would have packed it in already

but i am stubborn

so today i am going to try and grind some wheat to make my bread, paint and keep warm

i hope you all stay warm and safe out there

past few days

have been brutal..... i couldn't keep the house warm, it was way too cold for a house with too little insulation in the studio (the main house is solid stone so once that gets warm it stays warm but the studio.....oye)
i moved a LOT of wood
about a cord
all by myself
this morning i shoveled a 4'' coal bed out of the woodstove (it broke my heart to do it) and dumped the live coal into our burn pit out back..... the woodstove has been behaving a lot better since then.

calpurrnia is sick today, she was throwing up and then stopped eating.
i filled socks with rice and nuked them for her ....i kept her under a few towels and shirts and some wool..... with her hot rice, and force fed her watery fancy feast
she's doing better now
so much so that she just got up out of her little nest and went to the food bowl then instead of burrowing back into the covers she's now on top
 ironically thaddeaus who is the cold one normally.... seems to be much warmer then calpurrnia!
fawn is fawn
she's right next to me and doesn't want a blanket

i covered the doorway between the front hall and the living room with plastic, it made a huge difference.
the back door is covered too
i have to say RIGHT THIS SECOND.....i have an unfamilar feeling in my toes..... they are WARM!
the first time they are warm in i don't know how long!

meanwhile it's snowing out
bernie's stuck in indianappolis indiana, the truck is in the shop. he called me while he was doing laundry.( i was trying to catch up on some sleep...i've had about three hours total over the last two days)
he then went to eat and called me back
he's home sick and he's worried
i told him .....we're ok, it takes me a long time to do everything ....but i am getting it done
i can't do it any where near as fast as he does
he can put in a weeks worth of wood in less then 1/2 hour
it takes me three days........ and that's working for a couple hours
(i have to rest in between)
i got the van loaded with wood right now....
i have enough to get through the snow in the house....... and even though it's snowing if i really have to it's just a few steps away from the front door
it is cutting into my painting time but judging by the quality of the painting i am getting done.....well it's not too bad no?

with the snow the studio is getting warmer...... so maybe i will get some sleep?
i discovered a few things for next winter that will help with the wood stove
one is a pressed sawdust block called enviblock ......
and the other one is called ecobrick
as part of my woodstove issues were that big coal bed.... and an incomplete burn
these two pressed sawdust blocks will burn hotter so the coal bed will be reduced to ash FAST
plus they will go a few hours so i can sleep
i wish i had them this winter ..... but hey....

there usually is about 4 weeks of brutal weather....last two weeks of january and the first two of feb......
unfortunately this year bernie is out in training
and while he was told he'd be home after his fourth week out.... he still isn't hearing anything about home time yet so we're sort of not counting on it now
i am fending for myself pretty well....... (ok so more or less....i can't seem to get to the post office!)
sunday or monday if it's good weather i have to go to town, i desperately need hay
and i am going to see about milk and some green veggies
my winter stash is buried in the garden under a LOT of snow and ice
so
there you go.... i am surviving....
i am covered in unexplained black and blue marks though... damned if i can figure out where they are coming from!
every times i see my legs there are literally dozens of new ones! i suppose my arms and back are too.....but it's so cold i am changing FAST
(long johns are my very bestest friend and i am sleeping in them too! as well as a wool hat and a fleece robe....there isnt' any heat in the bedroom)

ok chickies.... i have to go
i am going to put some wood in the stove and see about some sleep for a while
stay warm and be safe

not for sissies

well let's see

ice princess, beginnings

i've fallen again.... this one was a good one too... hurt my back and hurt my knees, shoulders, legs etc

that was the other day
a hot shower after an early night helped

last night i was up every two hours or so with the woodstove
today i got wood in the van again.... only to discover my woodcart has a flat
if i can't move wood from the shed to the van i've pretty much had it

one wood pile is totally frozen ...... it was damp i guess when bernie tarped it and it's all frozen together
that is mainly the logs from the big sugar maple that died and we had taken down this summer
i am not too sure what to do about this

i ground wheat last night to bake some bread, which i'll be baking later today
right now i am trying to warm up from being outside

bernie called, he was snowed in out somewhere in ohio, so was catching a few more hours sleep... i am hoping he gets home for a break soon as i need the tire/inner tube fixed on the wood cart ASAP
this winter is one of the bigger challenges in my life
meanwhile i am painting the ice princess from the russian fairy tale...her father was the winter and her mother the spring..
she's a challenge... really serious challenge

i am also about to submit to agents, and i am considering waiting for bernie to get home to submit, as normally we do stuff like this together. i'll have to talk to him about it next time he calls

so that's about what's going on......i'm sleep deprived (always though this time of year)... exhausted, etc..
and let me tell you...most people half my age could NOT do what i do every day......
today it's bitter cold out.. with wind
the wind chill makes it really bad
it's so cold even the animals aren't out
but i was
moving wood

i got to be outta my freeken MIND

a snow storm? really?

bernie was not even 20 miles from home last night, i was to have gone to meet him but due to this winter storm helen......it was a no go

meanwhile
i've about run out of wood.....next week we are getting single digits so i have to figure a solution FAST
i can't throw wood up on the deck as i am too short and i don't get it hefted up high enough
i tried to put a platform out there but can't move the cinder blocks which are iced to the ground and each other
the only other thing i can possibly do is take the seats out of the van
fill the van with wood and leave that out in front of the front door......
i think that's my solution

i shoveled us out pretty much..... the plows broke our curbing and i can't move the chunk out of the driveway to get the van out either.... i called the township ......... so far i haven't heard from them
oh man this is 'interesting times'

i swear i have no idea how i can still be fat..... people half my age can't keep up with me... and i am so active that even men shake their heads......

oye

i fell out on the ice

this morning out back-all ice

 lilli ran past me when i was trying to get her in the pen....she's a bit molty and a bit broody and she's being a total asshole......
i twisted (big mistake there) to grab her and went down.
i could not save myself
fortunately i didn't get too badly hurt
i twisted my back some, which i am sure hoping doesn't act up later...
i got a few bangs but i didn't get that solid smack of pain i have gotten sometimes when i've fallen

meanwhile bernie is due to be 45 minutes north of home sometime tomorrow.....he is going to try and actually get home but we don't have too much hope for that.
i am cooking a few meals for him in case he does.....he'll be able to take them with him on the road then
i'm going to do the meat part and stuff like barley and rice.....he'll do the salad/veggie part on the road then. (edited to add, he's not getting much chance to call home, i am lucky to hear from him for a minute early in the morning maybe- most of the time i have no idea where he is..... he's been all over about 12 states so far- he's homesick but thankfully really really busy...me? well .....i'm not taking this well- i will be so glad when this part of the training is over)

meanwhile the chickens are thinking of starting to lay again
i sure hope so....
and i hope that prudence starts to lay again too...cause i need some duck eggs for baking

new work......

i'm working on a few trees in the snow... this one has white lights on it......i know you can't see that now but it does.... when i finish the whole painting i'll take the liquid mask off and there will be white lights all over the tree.....or at least white dots..... maybe they won't look like lights...... maybe they will just look like white dots
i am not crazy about the blue, green....and paper white palette but it is what it is
at lest the blues and greens are broken color so maybe a bit interesting?
so this is what i'm working on today, while bernie starts his training

mixed ........so very mixed

bernie had to leave today, he is hoping he can get home every two weeks or so for this training period
it's a new phase of our lives

me, well i miss him terrible, as we are rarely parted
i took him down to the airport, where he picked up the car his new company rented for him.
i cried all the way home
it sounds so silly but i've always been this way
i hate having anyone i love leave......even for a few days
my sister in law called me, she knew how i was going to be considering how hard i cry when she leaves.
i kept crying

thank goodness we got him that cell, as he and i have been talking back and forth for hours

we talked about everything that lead us here...... to this point in time
and i am so trying to trust that it will all work out
he thinks it will
meanwhile i am going to cut more paper tomorrow and start painting
i am going to aim for some submissions by the end of the week

right now, it's WAY past my bedtime,
i am going to throw a few logs on the fire now and go up to read for a while

i wish everyone a happy new year

i hope all your christmas' were happy

my latest painting

i know i know...i have been away
but we've been very busy getting bernie ready for his trip
(make that plural TRIPS- back to back all over the USA)

christmas here was quiet, i can't quite tell you how we are right now.....
we are both starting to miss each other very badly....
even though he's not left yet
i am worried about his safety on the road and he's worried about my safety during the worst of the winter here
i intend on painting almost around the clock.......
he will be calling every chance he gets .....which is going to mean some pretty odd hours too
but when he's been gone for a while in the past on business trips, i end up in a weird sort of 4 hours on with 3 hours or so sleep periods around the clock... especially when he's been gone in winter
summer is a bit different but during the winter i was on a different clock entirely
so it looks like he and i will be on the same schedule but just in different states
i told him that this will be good cause he won't worry about calling me

he's got a new cell phone, neither of us wanted it but he was so worried about being able to call home so we got it
he was so enjoying NOT having a cell phone
and i may have to get one too but i am still holding out
there really are not many pay phones around anymore

now today we are to get a huge storm
tons of snow and ice and rain and all that
bernie's bringing in wood right now
we are going to have to stack a lot out on the deck
and bring a lot into the house too (a weeks worth in the house at a time)
IF bernie can get back weekly it won't be too bad, but we aren't counting on that
so i get to bring in the wood on my little cart
let's hope for a warmish winter ok?

in other news, i am about to start planning our spring/summer garden
which should be in pretty good shape as we left a few beds fallow and then dumped a TON (which is what it felt like) of manure on the beds too
so i am going through stuff and pulling out the seeds now

so that's what we've all been doing..... just busy.... not too much knitting going on, mostly premie and baby hats from the yarn susan (thank you so much again) sent....
my latest painting is at the top of this page..... i need to cut paper again
and pick up another roll of blue tape....
OHOHOH, i got 'mr clean magic eraser' ....... WOW, it picks up watercolor off a paper surface like NOTHING else i've seen!
my new tool!

cool huh?
now i need something to spread white mask in large drops not small like the toothbrush does
and i'm set for a while

happy new year to you all

things i would still really like to do in my life

the end of the year always brings out lists

top ten of the past year
worst ten
best books
best movies
and life lists, bucket lists.....
goals and reckoning

i have a few myself of course....especially after this past year
bernie got to achieve a goal he had for a while.... something he wanted to do but never really was in a place where he could or needed to.

me a few of my dreams and wishes are:

1) botanical illustration: now i found out that there are really GOOD courses out there for this, as well as scientific illustration...... but that they are far away, expensive, don't have placement services and at this point are way out of range for me..... some courses i can do myself with a text book, but i would have really loved to have done this....
and along with this......
1a) get more work out there ........i really want some licensing contracts now... and i have a plan!
1b) finally do egg tempera

2) build that red house: i love that house and can't stop thinking of it.....how it's got a farmhouse kitchen and porch, an open room plan, ample windows and real closets...... i adore stone houses but if i could have that red one i think it would be ok

3) expand my garden and add an orchard: that is self explanatory no?
i would like to add chestnut, walnut, and filbert trees, along with cherry, apple, pear and peach.... and elderberries, cranberries, blackberries, raspberries and more blueberries...

4) sew more: i miss sewing clothing but really i don't need much as i don't go out enough to justify an extensive wardrobe

5) more bookcases: or thin out my current bookcases...... this one is a huge stress-er for me....... i don't want to give up my books, and i am a voracious reader- i devour books at a rate that really isn't good for our finances, add to that a preference to owning the books i read....just in case...of you know.... a desperate need to reread a passage at 3am on a sunday morning during a snowstorm.....(don't laugh, it's happened more then once)

6) i wish i could say things like 'be a better person'....... but right now, i have just learned a very solid NO......... and i don't want to go back to being a pushover so ......i'll take the not so good but maybe more realistic person i am now

7) reorganize our house: yeah like that is going to happen....... can't someone wave a wand????


i really should pick one or two and work on them...... and talk to my friend bess who is the queen of stuff like this

so folks? what's on your list?

it's december......

and there are insects flying around outside!
it's a very warm (so far) december.
we'll get a few days of temps hovering around freezing and then it warms up
some days this week i didn't have to start the woodstove in the morning as it was almost 50 when we got up........so i am hoping our wood lasts out the winter, as i used the balance of the winter heating money to pay for the generator!

and it's about 2am....i'm up and downstairs
upset stomach
a bit of stress
some concern about jury duty for me this week
(as in getting there and back- as the timing is a problem)
plus i got some bad news about a close family friend, who is starting his decline.
he told me that the doctors don't think he'll be with us much longer
and that makes us very very sad.
right now it seems to me that all sorts of losses surround us

and it is the time of the year that any loss no matter how minor affects us worse.....and losing friends are major losses

now to brighten up a tiny bit....lillianna is almost out of her molt
today (yesterday? as it's after midnight) she didn't rush shrieking ............or what passes for shrieking, out of the night pen into the yard and on to the day pen-
i rigged a half ass door on the chicken pen (there was actually going to be three pens together..... so i just separated one from the other) and put falstaff on one side with lilli on the other,
i figured that those two would be the easier of the pairs..... as the young girls AND phoebe climb
and lilli doesn't..... neither does falstaff
it did work out....falstaff ended up just sitting in the middle of his pen....not even running the fence or anything
lilli did her lilli thing
(gees i love that duck)
so peace of a sort was restored in duck heaven........
and with that.......to sleep for me

night all

on being creative

i'm a person that needs to make things...with my hands

i need to see things in my brain and bring that out- down my arms and through my fingers

it's a real need 

like breathing

even eating will take second place to creating

when the muse descends i can forget (and do forget) everything

i forget to do chores (except animal chores) 

i forget to eat

to take breaks

all that matters is what is coming out.....the struggle of something new being born

once born i am interested in it for a short time

but then put it away for 'later'

when 'later' comes, i am more often then not surprised at what i see!

i don't remember all the little details although i was THERE 

i CREATED THEM

i don't remember!

i have often wondered if that is part of the process...... as it comes through a human?

it's also why i am beginning to think that it isn't all me doing it

somehow something, which i will call the muse, works with me and through me

and a lot of times something amazing happens

it's almost like an addiction as well, because when i haven't been creating for a bit (like right now) i get unsettled, bored, depressed, life seems to lose it's luster, it's meaning and it's purpose.

i rattle around, unsure what to do with myself

my fingers need to be doing SOMETHING

my mind needs to be challenged 

and i get into a very bad bad mood

now all this being said...

i have work to do 

i am going to get off the laptop and wander over to my drafting table

i may draw

i would like to make some thing too.....maybe an ornament?

maybe an object?

i wouldn't mind bookbinding, that is always fun

making a box out of fabrics and cardboard is fun too

or possibly a pop up paper theater?

a cloth doll? with a trunk and wardrobe?

a tiny candy house made out of clay?

the possibilities are endless and fascinating.......

the hard part is choosing and starting

i know.....it's been a while

we again have been visited by the plague...this time stomach plague...
bernie was so sick sunday night.... he was vomiting and we were up all night cleaning up after him
monday he was so sick he couldn't go to school
today he went, and so far (2:30pm) he's still not home so i am thinking he's ok
not me however
i am getting very dizzy and very light headed and have a terrible taste in my mouth
so i am trying to eat very light...dry toast, jello.....water
i took the ducks out and brought the wood in

then discovered a FLEA on thaddeaus!
a FLEA
almost ten years i've had these cats, they not only do not go out....but we don't have carpets in the house and i find a FLEA
so i need to get a comb and some DE to spread around
and i could really use a vacuum (which i don't have)

meanwhile thanksgiving is on hold pending both bernie and me having the plague...
if he's ok, he'll cook
if i'm ok, i'll cook
if we're still both sick
well.....maybe then we'll cook sunday

and here we were saying how this would be the first year since 2006 that we wouldn't be on the road for a road call on thanksgiving!

meanwhile, today is gray and overcast, i can't get a good fire going in the woodstove, i am thinking we need to clean the chimney again
probably over the weekend
either way, due to pending plague, i'm freezing